Torn...

Okay so today is a really shitty day, and it was a shitty weekend. The shit hit the fan with my boyfriend and I am still trying to figure out if we are done or if are trying to make things work. I desperately want to try and make things work but I feel he will not put in the time or energy. Plus I have that crush on the "other one" too that is lingering in the back of my mind.
What is so ironic is I found a blog he wrote when I first met him and there is nothing good in it about me. It was actually kind of hurtful some of the things he had in there about me, calling me "the girl that sits behind him" and how I am "so fucking annoying" reading those things kind of hit me hard, with everything going on with my current boyfriend and then reading those disturbing things about me from someone I consider a great friend/ potential boyfriend. In defense to the other one, we have known each other for 4 years and are relationship is nothing like it use to be when we first met. But I still can't shake those things he said about me.....
I mean when I started in my current job with him as my preceptor, he was the guru of it and I knew nothing..... I have come a long way but still it hurts to know he thought about me like that at one point....
So I am torn.... Breaking things off with my current boyfriend seemed to be easier knowing I had the friendship of the other one but now I am just not sure??
I mean I want things to work out with my boyfriend but I just don't see it happening. I don't want to deal with the fall out and the saying good-bye and the separation of stuff, not to mention our precious kitty, Sasha. Why can't he fight for me, why can't he want me, why, why, why...
That is the question of the day! WHY THE FUCK NOT?????