New Beginings and Closer

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone. This was my first Holiday as a single woman. And I have to admit I really enjoyed myself. I did not have to worry about anyone but myself and I could truly be with my family. I also have another confession to make, I really don't miss RS, my ex. Yes I loved him and yes I shared a big chunk of my life with him. But I don't miss him. What I miss is having someone and having my own home. I wanted to meet with him to get some closer but I found closer in the weirdest of places, through his family. His family belongs to my church which I am really involved in. Well anywho my Mom ran into his Uncle, who I was very close with and my Mom and RS's Uncle had a conversation that brought me peace and closer. To make a long story short, RS's Uncle was incredibly sad to hear about our break up but he was also incredibility happy that I got out of the relationship and that I would be better off. When my Mom told me this I was shocked I could not believe RS's Uncle would be saying things about him like that. But it does not stop there. The Uncle went on to say that RS is a lost cause and needs professional help to help him overcome his painful past. (which I totally agree and tried to get him help but he kept pushing it away) and that RS will never find happiness because he is always moving from one thing to the next, making up his mind and then changing it and that can be very destructive not only to RS but to the people around him. It makes sense now to me because I now can see how selfish he was and still is and I can now see why he has NO close relationships with anyone in his family. His Uncle also said something that shocked me, He said that RS never owns up to his mistakes instead he blames them on other people and that is how he goes through life and until he realizes that he will never find happiness and will always be bouncing around in life with no clear path of what he wants. And that is not the life I want - so I am closing my chapter with RS and moving on. Part of me realized I moved on a long time ago but I did not want to admit it. I did not want to give up on RS I wanted to help him become a better man. But what I realize now is that he will never be a better man. He has isolated his whole family, they want nothing to do with him and his friends (most of them) are low lifes with no future. His goals of becoming a teacher are so UNREALISTIC, especially with his hearing impairment. And he can never take the responsibility of life. The perfect example is his daughter. He gave up on her just like everything else in his life, he gives up on things if they don't go his way and blames everyone but himself for it. I am not here to bash RS but it is funny because the saying "love is blind" is definitely true in my book. I was blinded by the obvious because of my love for RS, I was blinded and now that I have stepped outside the relationship and closed that chapter, I can now see what was there all along. This is my closure - I can take 1/2 the blame for it not working out. I can learn from my mistakes from this relationship and I can look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I am a strong independent woman. RS had this wonderful ability of putting me down and squashing my self esteem, but no more.... I have closed that chapter and can finally say I have moved on :)

Changes, changes and more changes

Change - is so hard to do but nearly impossible to avoid. Everything changes in some way or another, some change is for the good and some change is for the bad. But I hate it when things change and it is hard to accept or see why they have? I am referring to alot of things in my present life. Past friendships I have lost, my relationship that I lost, my new living enviroment, my working enviroment, virtually everything in my life is in transition now and I am just trying to stay above water....... Some days are easier than others and some days are un-bearable.... But somehow I get through it. I am trying so hard to practice what I preach. "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger" I also always say "Everything happens for a reason....."
I do believe those sayings above but at times it is hard to relate them to the horrible things that have transpired in the last several months.....- I just have to "hope" they are true and keep chugging along on this rollarcoaster of life. I am trying to find me again - trying to find what makes me happy and most importantly trying to be that strong independent woman I know I can be. I feel like I take one step forward one day and then the next I take 2 steps back... So this is a frustrating transition for me that I need to get through and out of on my own. I have a wonderful supportive family who has been great, and I have a small handful of great friends who have been by my side through everything and I will be eternally grateful to them for that. They have taught me how to have fun again, to laugh again and most importantly they have given me my self eesteem back and some confidence by just being there for me when I needed them most. I know I have mentioned this before that I tend to isolate myself when I am in a funk but I have had two people in my life right now who have not aloud me to do that. Of course one of them is the "other one" and the second person is MK who I believe I mentioned in a previous post a good friend of mine who is always struggling with things in her own life but always has time to be there for me and vice versa. Both of them understand and are there for me no matter how I am feeling.
I guess it is time to give the "other one" a new nickname considering he is no longer the other one, he has evolved into such a great friend and I have hope that one day we could have the potential to have a wonderful loving relationship, that is when I am ready to date again I am at the seeing part and exploring part, definate dating will not be for some time..... I need time to recover from my previous abusive relationship and get some closure before I move on to another relationship. But the "other one" and I have been hanging out alot and he has really been the support I need right now and I will always value him as a great friend (if not more someday, which I hope for) So the "other one" will now be CP :)
That is all for now - I must get back to work but it was nice to get some feelings out since it has been so long since my last blog. I really need to make the effort to get on here more - it releases so much tension - thanks to all for your continued support on this bumpy journey I have been going through.... :)

Things can only go up....

So I hit rock bottom (as we all know) and slowly but surely I am heading back up hill to a life I enjoy and for once in a long, long time, I am having fun. If you guys have noticed I have not mentioned the "other one" at all in my recent blogs. Reason 1 being is I am trying to stay focused on me and my wants and needs - Reason 2 is because my feelings for him have gotten stronger the more I see him and the more things I do with him and I don't know if the feeling is mutual on his side..... I am suppressing them for now because I have no idea how he feels about me but one thing I know for sure is that we have fun together and lots of it. He was one of the closest friends to me during my dark time and I will always be grateful for that. Reason 3 being is if things don't go as planned with the "other one" , I do not want to loose that friendship we have and I cherish. But I can not hide how I feel either so with this one I am just going to give it time - and continue having fun. I now have a great circle of friends that I can rely on and who don't get mad if things come up or we don't talk for a few days. I finally feel like I have established trusting and understanding with my current circle of friends and the drama of "you did not call" "we have not talked forever" is out of my life and it is really refreshing :) Well back to work - I am off to run errands and grab some lunch :)

Hanging in there...

So as most of you know, these past few months have been very rough on me and there have been many times where my hope was lost. But slowly but surely I am starting to re-gain a sense of control and self confidence. Some days are easier than others and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But I do and I keep trucking forward. I almost feel like the Little Train that could.... I have an awesome support system that I will be eternally grateful for but no matter what anyone says or does I am the only one who can get past this rough patch. The feeling of being single, losing my best friend/ boyfriend, losing my home I created etc... At times it seems to much to handle and I just want to crawl into a black hole. Not to mention throwing in the stress of work and things that go on with my family.... The weather here has been gray and raining and that is exactly like what I feel like inside, grey and raining. But on the exterior I have been doing my best to keep up the facade of "I am doing great" So the saying Fake it Till you Make it will be my motto. Well I need to get back to work but wanted to just vent for a while. Hope all is well and if it is not just remind yourself, things could be a heck of a lot worse.... Or at least that is what I do :)

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Thanks for the support you left in your comments. I am happy to report I am slowly putting back the puzzles pieces of my life and trying to find happiness again. It is going to be a long journey but as each day goes by I feel a little bit stronger and a little bit more hopeful. It is funny how things end up. For instance my relationship with R.S. I saw red flag after red flag and still I stayed. I was always putting him before me and willing to do so and making him happy to before myself. Don't get me wrong I miss R.S. but I don't yearn for him and I don't want the good times we had back because there are too many bad and that tarnishes the good in my eyes. I have my ups and downs in regards to having no contact with him. ( I have not talked to him at all in the past 3 weeks) The good person in me wants to see if he is doing okay wants to reach out I mean I shared my life and loved him for 3 years and poof he is out of it - that is rough- but I feel if I do that I once again will not be putting myself first and I need to dig deep down to find that strength to put my own happiness first for once. I am the type of person who thrives off of making other people happy. Even if it mean sacrificing my own happiness because in my eyes it is worth it to make someone else happy - it is one of the greatest joys in life. But doing to much of it can slowly burn a person out and make them weaker if it goes unappreciated for so long. So I am on that journey of finding that balance. Of making myself happy, find what I like and what I need but still trying to make other people happy too. It is a fine line to tread but I am willing to take on the challenge because in the long run I won't be that person who always gets the short end of the stick because I allow myself too. I will stick up for myself, build back my confidence and who knows maybe even find true love along the way :) Today was a good day - but when night time roles around is when it gets a bit tough or I should say lonely. But time heals all wounds and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So I am back on my OWN 2 feet again always hoping for the best.
Have a great weekend everyone,
M

Long Time No Blog....

So, this is my first time blogging in quite a while. I was even out of work for about 4 weeks. And a lot has happened since then..... The reason I was out of work is because I got the Depo Prevero II shot - My doctor told me it was a great form of birth control and that studies have shown it is great to treat pre-cervical cancer cells (which I have) So I though wow - kill 2 birds with one stone - sign me up. So I got the shot..... That is where things start to spiral downward... I was already stressed with work etc... Well wouldn't you know I got every side effect in the book, throwing up, bathroom problems, depression, anxiousness, my emotions were all out of whack, etc... I did not know what the hell was going on with me.... I chalked it up to this and chalked it up to that and finally I hit that breaking point where I literally was an emotional basket case who was sicker then a dog. Well I went to my Mom, R.S. (my ex-boyfriend by the way) could not take care of me - He literally said he does not believe in depression, that it is all in the head (but that is a whole other blog) Back to me, so I went to my Mom's stayed there for a few days and come to find out I not only got all the side effects from the frickin shot but I also was allergic to it, I lost 27.6 lbs. because I could not keep anything down or anything in me I should say.... So that is my story and all I have time for right now. But I am back to work, my first day- I was nervous but all in all it turned out to be a good day.
One last comment - Since R.S. and I have broken up I have become a stronger and happier woman. I now have an opinion and I found that by being with him I lost who I was and lost some people who were close to me and I sacrificed my own happiness for his - Lesson Learned - I deserve someone better - I missed reading every ones blogs and hope to catch up on everyone over the weekend :) Take Care -
M

I need a Mental Health Day....

So today I am on the verge of tears because of my J.O.B.
I mean a person can only take so much and do so much before they crack... and I am at that point where I feel like I am starting to crumble. I am just sick and tired of the endless abuse and never any recognition. I mean I play by the rules, meet all my deadlines, even other peoples deadlines and there are some people who continually break and bend the rules and get away with it. I AM SICK OF IT! I don't get how these people can get away with it, but they do, day in and day out. It makes the people who are doing things right and the people who are doing everything and anything to complete nearly impossible tasks say "what is the point" And that is exactly where I am at. What is the point of constantly working my ass off and staying late - constantly playing by all the rules - completing everything on my plate and other peoples plates as well. I guess the only difference is - I can look myself in the mirror and know what I do and how much I do. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything the RIGHT and MORAL way. But that still does not get me the recognition I deserve or the pay increase.... Thank Goodness I have aquatic kickboxing tonight - I am not a violent person but I can not wait to punch and kick the heck out of the at water :) :) That is my only hope for getting me through today.....

Honest Scrap Tag

Thank you minty for taggin me.

Here's the deal. Tell your readers 10 things about you that they may or may not know, but are true. Tag ten people with the award, and be sure to let them know they've been tagged (a quick comment on their blog will do). Don't forget to link back to the blogger who tagged you.

Ok -Here are 10 things about me!

1. - I love the outdoors, especially being in the sun - it just makes you feel better :)
2. - When I get in my funks, I tend to isolate the people closest to me - and usually the only people who can get me out of it- are my family (and RS has been doing a great job lately too :)
3. - I had my whole life planned out since I was child - and none of it came true :), but I am okay with that- I use to write journals upon journals listing in detail my wedding, what my husband would be like, and at what age I would be married, like I said it didn't pan out the way I planned but I am happy with the path my life is going.
4. - I went through 2 really rough patches in my life and I am extremely proud for pulling out of them an eternally grateful that my mother was by my side the whole time cheering me on (along with the rest of my family), I don't know where I would be without her.
5. - I never finished my college degree, I only have a 2 year degree but plan to go back to school to be a nurse, but snag upon snag has prevented me from doing so - but hopefully by fall I will be back to school and on a new career track :)
6. - I use to be very skinny and athletic - but during my rough patches I let myself go - but thankfully I am back on track to a healthier me - I still feel beauty is from within - so I am okay no matter what size I am.
7. - On a funny note - sometimes I laugh so hard that I pee my pants on complete accident, not a lot just a tiny tiny bit, maybe it is the old age getting to me....
8. - My #1 goal in life is to have my own family and to be a mother - even if that means adopting.
9. - A fun fact about me - is that my eyes change color to what I wear - nothing to drastic they are mainly green, blue, grey, or brown, with yellow specks at all times. My doctor as a child was always fascinated with my eyes and my mother still can't get use to it. But the doctor said that my eyes pick up on the color tones of my clothing and are like a mirror. My childhood doctor loved my eyes so much she got me involved in modeling. Modeling of the eyes that is - I did some photos for Origins, the makeup brand - I still have the posters that were printed and used :)
10. - Last but not least - I have a horrible fear of terminal illness. Not of dying but of living a life that is not worth living. I have seen terminal illness in so many of my family members and have taken care of them with the help of my family and it is so heart wretching you loose a part of yourself. I would much rather die quick then slowly deteriorate in front of my loved one eyes.

I hate Mondays....

So Monday is here and where am I - work.... Oh well - another day another dollar, and I will do my best to make the best of it. My weekend was an okay weekend. I was able to get out in the sun with my friends and RS and had a decent time this weekend we even got some R&R and some alone time in ;) which was nice and well needed by the both of us :) I am confident in saying things are looking up for RS and I. But I almost don't want to say that because 1/2 the time I jinx it and that is when the roller coaster starts to dip again... As far as my feelings go for the other one - they are still there but he too is a bit of a roller coaster with his feelings, but then again who isn't.
I am really excited though because I have been hanging out with someone new, someone I actually knew already from my childhood, who I will call MK, who I now consider my close friend. Her and I have so many things in common and we just clicked from the start - and I have to be honest it is nice to have someone to talk to, to trust and to rely on. I feel like she gets what I am going through and vice versa. It is so nice to finally have a friendship where you not only give but also receive. My friendships in the past usually go something like I give and give and give and once in awhile I get something back or they are filled with drama, drama and more drama but not this one it is also nice because we have become each others motivation to loose wait - so I can officially announce I am back on the band wagon to loosing weight and I promise when I reach my goal weight I will post a before and after picture.
I also wanted to thank all my readers and the people whose blogs I read - you give me daily inspiration and wonderful advice, so thank you. Have a wonderful day - a I need to post my 10 things about myself that minty left on my blog and hope to do so later this afternoon.

Under the Weather...

So today I am feeling a bit under the weather, physically and emotionally. That whole situation yesterday with the immature facebook comment really set me over the edge, in fact I let it ruin my whole evening so in the end I guess my so called friend won the battle, I let the immaturity get to me. I mean I am 27 yrs old, I am not in high school any more. My decision has been made to get that sort of thing out of my life, as sad as it is to admit. I firmly believe that she is a good person, I just can't have that unnecessary drama and game playing in my life, no one does, especially when high school/ middle school is long over - I am too old for that, I have never had to make such a heart retching decision like this to stop being friends with some one because of a maturity issue, but the reality of the situation is I don't see any other solution that is a healthy solution for my own well being....
That stupid little comment was like a snow ball effect for my day and I can't have that - I found out about that comment through a computer first of all... I mean come on, who does that? And then my day sort of spiraled out of control. The comment was not the reason it spiraled out of control there were many factors to why yesterday went wrong but that silly little comment was the straw that broke the camels back and was my wake up call to get the immature drama out of my life. Because drama like that can be avoided - it doesn't need to happen it actually spreads like a virus, it is very contagious - In fact many situations with this particular friend could of been avoided if she just dealt with things head on, instead of playing games and beating around the bush and acted mature about the situation. I mean we all do it at times and certain situations require beating around the bush and a level of immaturity (in a fun playful manner) but when you are dealing with friendship and emotions "playing games" to get your point across is just a message for disaster and down right bitchy. No one willingly chooses to have that in their life - in fact people choose to NOT have that in their life... As sad as it is and as shitty as I am feeling - the best thing I feel is to end the friendship here. Too many hurtful and I feel malicious things have happened to salvage what is left of the friendship. And other things have come to light since the facebook debacle that I just can not get past nor do I want that kind of thing in my life.
Now don't get me wrong I am not Miss Innocent here nor do I have friends coming out of my ass, I don't....- I think it takes 2 to tango no matter what kind of relationship it is - with friendship, family or a romantic relationship. I am not the "Best" Friend of the year. Nor am I pointing the finger here and there, I am just stating the facts. By no means am I saying I am not at fault for for things. I did my fair share of things that could be hurtful or damaging but one thing I pride myself on is understanding, giving compassion and making up for when I do things wrong and learning from my mistake so they don't happen again - I always do my best to understand the reasoning behind things and always try to give the benefit of the doubt and there are some things that can not just be overlooked especially when there is a pattern to it, not just an isolated event but a reoccurring pattern - and I can not stand for that, so if I am pegged the bad bitchy person so be it - I am standing up for my opinion and how I feel and I am not going to bend or compromise on that. The people who matter to me in my life and who want to be there for me understand that.
Life happens... there are ups and downs and in betweens and life is too short to be down all the time or to have someone else bring you down. I am putting this issue to rest and moving on :(

Communication Via the compter??

So I have to do another blog because I just don't get why "people" feel the need to make low blows or jabs towards a person/ people via the computer. The whole reason I am bringing this up is because it has been brought to my attention that one of my "close" friends made a statement on Facebook saying something like - You really know who your true friends are when times are tough... I am so hot over this.... - because honestly that jab of a remark was meant for me, I know deep down it was and it pisses me off to no end on how immature it is to communicate via facebook. Now some could say I am not much better - because I am blogging about it.. And in a way they are right - but this blog is my escape and my stress reliever so I do not consider it the same thing - Granted the friend who posted the Facebook "nasty" comment does know this blog exists. But I consider the 2 things to be seperate. I am not posting for the world to see. I am not being sneaky or bitchy by making a "general/ broad" comment. I am calling this person out and saying - Grow up - learn to communicate and if you have a problem with something or someone face it head on - don't beat around the bush making nasty jabs that could (or could) not be inteded for one person in particular and been seen by the whole world. I just don't get it - really, I don't - I mean come on. The comment I guess you know who your true friends are when times are tough is so immature. But in a way ironic - because that same statement can apply to me - I guess I know who my true friends are when times are tough - More than one person can be going through a rough/ tough time.... Actually probably 1/2 the world is going through a tough time right now with the economy etc... So all I can do right now is laugh it off because to be honest - I have a enough drama and trouble in my life - why would I want to add any more meaningless drama..... Back to the drama of work....

Not enough time...

I have not been blogging lately because it seems like there is not enough time to do everything and then when I do find some time I just want to crash. Work has been taking up all my time and has put me in a horrible mood. I am not fun to be around nor do I want to be around anyone. R.S. and I are doing okay, not good, not bad, just there, it is almost like we don't have time to be anything, he is stressed with school, I am stressed with work and by the time we find time to be together we are usually sleeping or crabbing about school or work. I feel sort of bad because I have not had time to see my family let alone the couple friends I have.... It feels like my job is consuming my life and my attitude and I HATE THAT! Well I could go into a whole tangent about how I hate this and that but I just don't have the energy too and when it comes down to it - I need my job to survive, to pay bills etc... But I am at the point where I am asking myself. At what cost?? Don't get me wrong I am grateful I have a job but at this point, my life is not worth all the stress, drama, crap, and lack of a life just to pay the bills and say "At least I have a job" ..... "sigh" "sigh" Life is too short to be living for a job.... And a job I hate for that matter - I don't even like any of the people in my department, actually I hate them..... GRRR....
"sigh" Back to the shit hole....

Crap crap and more crap - Work related

I hate my job - I could scream - I am so busy I don't even have time to blog about it. This place has no idea how much I do, I am literally doing 3 positions and getting paid the least amount - someone else gets a promotion (which she deserved) but it urks me to no end that I do and do and do and get NOTHING - no recognition, no Thank you, no Job well done - all I get is more work. I am not saying I am God's gift but I do my fair share of work and I do a great job - if my place of employment keeps this up - I am sad to say I will not longer work for a place that treats people this way - I am burnt out, stressed and what do they do GIVE ME MORE WORK! I know i should be grateful I have a job and I am but you only live once and I can't live being treated this way....... GRRRRR - I should of called off - but no, I am the good employee who comes no matter what.......

The day is getting better...

Okay so it is now 3:20pm and I smiled for the first time today - and because of RS... Shocker right... Well I just got an email from RS telling me my car is fixed and back in my parking spot waiting for me to drive it again. "SIGH" what a relief and what a wonderful gesture from RS. He took my car to the shop, had them diagnose the problem, had them fix it, RS paid for it, and now it is back - Just when all hope is lost - he pulls through for me in a BIG way and shows me just why I fell in love with him. I finally got a glimpse of my loving, wonderful, thoughtful boyfriend and come to think of it - he was really good last night too :) Maybe things are looking up?? I don't want to jinx it but I will say I am impressed with the way RS has been with me :)
But I have to be honest with myself - I still have lingering thoughts of you know who ;)

DRAMA!!!

When will the drama stop? Does it ever? So today is Monday - and Mondays are hard for me to deal with as it is but you throw in any other stressful dilemma and Mondays are almost unbearable to me, and that is what today is, Unbearable.... So I had a good weekend, well maybe not good but I did get out into the sunshine so that made a difference. But back to my Monday morning. I already woke up a bit late to begin with, then I get in my car and BAM - that is when everything starts to spiral out of control - I nicknamed my car the Beast because it is an older explorer that can make a decent amount of noise. Well the Beast was having trouble. It would start it but every time I shifted gears to go it would putter and stall..... So I had to call my sister to get me to work and I was late and had to deal with every ones crap here......... People need this people need that... blah blah blah....
I should of just called off but I am not like everyone else in my department - I made it in and am making the best of it but man.... Just seems like one thing after another lately. Everything started on Friday. I had 2 doctors appointment, my OBGYN and the dermatologist to get some pesky moles removed. Well the OB did not have good news, I have signs of displesia and most likely will have to get a LEEP done (again) I have been through this before but it does not make it any easier.... Then I get into a fight with RS, he ends up not going to the dermatologist with me, I go by myself and it was pretty painful. So I then proceed to go to my parents house for dinner without RS. - Friday just sucked all around. Then Sat. rolls around and my best bud ditches me yet again for the new man in her life. I ended up making the best of Sat. but it pretty much sucked all around too. Then Sunday rolls around and more drama with KB, that I believe is past us now, but still it was crap I did not want to deal with but could not ignore either.... But the kicker out of everything we get a call from RS's grandpa informing us the Grandma was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and things don't look too good. So that was a surprising blow and RS did not take it too well, He actually took it horrible and had a mini break-down, but no fear I was there to snap him out of it. I did end up going to the pool and it was a pretty fun day. Then that leaves us to today - and so far I am thinking I should of just stayed in bed. I really don't have the money to fix anything that may be wrong with my car and I hate being stranded. So I am going to make the best of what is left today, finish out work, go to my niece and nephews baseball game and then I might go crawl into a dark hole...... "sigh" I am so frustrated I could literally scream. DOES IT EVER END?

Picture - Blogging and other stuff ;)

So, as you can see I added a picture of myself - I figure, what the heck. I am already pouring my heart and feelings out and by what I write about it would not be hard to figure out who I was.

Part of me loves blogging but then another part of me feels I make myself so vulnerable by doing it. I mean I only told a chunk of people that I started blogging and only gave my bestest bud the site (KB) but if someone really wanted to find this - it is not that hard. The person I am referring to is RS - okay and maybe also the "other one" But the other one also promised he would not seek this blog out, because he knows this is practically my only outlet :)

Speaking of the other one - He came over last night and brought True Blood (HBO Series) over. I am officially hooked to that show now - We only got through 2 episodes but I then watched another 2 after he left - and I am really excited because he let me borrow the whole first season - So we all know what I will be doing this weekend :) But I must admit it was not as much fun watching it by myself as it was with the other one ;)

I haven't mentioned the other one as of late because I have pushed and pushed my feelings for him away, in hopes of making it work with RS. But slowly and surely they keep creeping back up on me - and the mini blow-out between RS and I did not help repress my feelings either.
RS apologized once again last night but I could not feel the sincerity of the apologize. I politely told him that I forgave him but I was having trouble forgetting. Of course that comment opened up a whole can of worms. I told him when he slips up or "snaps" like that I hoped he would of done something to make up for it - in my words "something special he normally wouldn't do" to make up for being an asshole - of course he immediately said "something tangible or materialistic like flowers or candy" But I held my ground and said "those are just two things you can do, I am also referring to things that don't cost money, like lying in bed and talking, a massage, something special you wouldn't normally do, to make up for it" So the conversation ended with a hug and him going back to his homework and me going back to my thoughts, of the other one....... So I am handing this dilemma over to good old Father Time - in time I hope to have my answer.

Last night...

Alright so at the end of my last blog I mentioned I did not want to go home last night - well I should of taken my warning and not gone home..... It was a very bad night in my household. So I went home with a good attitude, ignoring the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go home. But I did, I came in the house with a smile, said hello to RS and proceeded to make dinner and completely clean the house. I tore down the whole bedroom, washing the sheets, vacuuming the mattress etcc..... I also did this with the living room and kitchen. Well just when I was about to do the dining room - the dining room is where RS's computer station is too because he bought a desk that was too big and would not fit into the office but insisted on keeping the desk anyways... Anywho just as I was moving things around to vacuum the rug - He go up from his desk threw his hat on the floor and screamed at me " I CAN NOT CONCENTRATE" I was so shocked and flabbergasted that I went numb. He stormed off and walked out of the house. I instantly started crying, no sobbing. He has never, ever spoke to me like that. I was so LIVID, here I was cleaning and making dinner and he had the F-ing nerve to go off on me like that..... So who the heck knows where he went when he stormed out but I slowly put away the cleaning stuff (sobbing the whole time). So then he comes back into the house and immediately apologizes and asks for a hug. I did not say anything to him, he forced my arms to go around him and then kissed me on the lips saying how sorry he was. SORRY - well SORRY - was not good enough for me - I was not ready to forgive and forget at that time - I politely back away from him and asked him to leave me alone, I said I needed time to cool off.... I then slowly went to the kitchen got his dinner ready, told him it was ready then I went and took a bath and took some Tylenol pm and went to bed. I so was so pissed I made such a nice dinner and I could not even enjoy it because he ruined it for me, I completely lost my appetite......
He was up and out of the house before me this morning but when I woke up I was just as hurt - I left a note on the dry erase board simply saying "You really hurt me last night".
So today is not going so smoothly - I am so hurt inside and I still have that other matter on my mind that I wrote about in my previous blog. Do you ever feel like you just want to crawl into a black hole and never come out? Well that is how I am feeling right now for various reasons. But I did not do that, I woke up, came to work and am trying to be productive..... There are so many things I have to be grateful for but they are hard to see when the bad stuff over shadows them.....

Roller Coaster of Love.....

Alright so I have had the realization that love can sometimes be a roller coaster, well in my case with RS it definitely is. And it made me start to think, Is is suppose to be that way? I will give you my reasoning: So this weekend R.S. and I had a wonderful date night on Thurs. - had a great day Friday and Saturday but then Sunday comes around and he is back in his hole. Thurs. night for our date we went downtown to see the Orchestra and Fireworks and we had a blast. We were very affectionate, holding hands having good conversation, but at the end of the night - NO SEX. I blew it off, thought no big deal, I had a great night, we don't always have to end it with sex. So Friday comes around he did his own thing during the day I did mine then he made a wonderful dinner for me, my sister and her boyfriend. Also another great night, but NO SEX - I once again blew it off.... Sat. rolls around I was suppose to go camping but ended up not going so he offered to bring dinner over to my parents, I thought, wow, what a great idea- once again we had a wonderful time, but NO SEX! So I blew it off but inside I was boiling - I even slept on the couch that night because I was so livid... So now Sunday comes around and he is stressed beyond belief, and I become non-existent. Which I don't understand?? I understand to a point that he has a lot on his plate and that we can not spend every waking moment together but I don't understand how he can be Dr. Jekyll and then Mr. Hyde in regards to spending time with me or giving me attention.... When he gets into these stressful funks of his, he is literally almost impossible to approach - nor do I even want to go near him when he is like that....

Side note: I just re-read what I wrote and had a point that came to mind that I want to make known. People probably wonder, Why did I not make the move to be intimate? Well the reason I don't is because numerous times in the past I have turned on the heat with RS (or tried) and I got flat out denied with him saying "Not tonight, or I am not in the mood" And to be honest that is a really really horrible feeling, a damaging feeling - worse than him not making the move so it has been conversed between RS and I that he will make the move to be intimate (for the time being). Now this won't be forever but the conversation we had was only talked about a few months ago so I feel it still applies.....

So back to my roller coaster - Then to boot, I rented the movie "He is just not that into you" BAD MOVE on my part - because there is a whole thing saying "If he is not having sex with you, he is just no that into you" So that really hit home - but I have to remind myself that RS and I have had conversations about our lack of a sex life and he has always given me reasoning or justified why we don't.... I am not saying he is right or that I believe him but I am trying my darnedest to give him the benefit of the doubt and I am trying my hardest to not think it is me he doesn't want.
So that is my dilemma - and when I have these short of freak outs in my head they can be deadly if I don't get them out and confront them. Now I know today or the rest of the week is not a good time to bring this to RS's attention but I am the type of person who needs to get things off their chest or else they bottle up and literally explode..... So I AM SO THANKFUL for blogging because this helps me get my feelings out and really think about the situation and it helps me see what the best approach would be.
But I can honestly say I am so frustrated with RS that I do not see any solution at this point that will have a good outcome.... GRRR . Well I am about done with work and about to head home, but I got to admit - I don't want to go home, not with the way RS has been and with him being there....... "sigh" :(

Happy July 4th

I hope everyone has a wonderful Independence Day Weekend! I have my date night tonight, tomorrow and Monday off, so what is there not to be happy about, well I could think of a few things but for once I am focusing on the GOOD!!!!! Be safe :)

Blown Over - Moving Along....

Okay, so my fight with my sister has blown over but in all honesty I think it has just been pushed under the rug to come out again in the near future. I understand family is family but sometimes they bother the crap out of me and make me run away screaming..... But I love them and I will always be there for them and they will always be there for me. So please remind me of this the next time WW III breaks out or should I say WW IV.......
On to another subject RS, my boyfriend. Things have been getting better and better with him. I am filled with more hope that we are getting out of the dark times and into the happy times again. Although we have scheduled 2 dates and they both ended up being not what I expected in other words, horrible or non-existent. So we will try again - This Thurs. The third time is the charm right, I must admit I am excited. We live very close to a big city and we are going to go down to the square and have a nice relaxing evening enjoying the city, I am looking forward to it :) But as we all know things don't always turned out as planned so I am not getting my hopes up too much.
I was suppose to go camping this weekend with my best bud but for whatever reason she is being very distant with me and I am just going to give her, her space for now. She recently got laid off from were she worked (I work their also, just different department) And I can't help but feel that she resents me in a way. I feel that she does not like talking to me as much because I did not get laid off. It is almost like our common bond was shattered. This could just be my perception of things but usually I am right about my gut feelings. So I will just give her space. But KB and I have always had an up and down roller-coaster kind of a friendship and space can sometimes be toxic with us. So time will tell what lays ahead for our friendship. For now I have a full plate with work, family and my current relationship, so I will just have to let the pieces fall where they may with her and I.
Well I have a little bit of work left. I am getting a lot done with it being a holiday week (July 4th). It is nice but I will admit, time could not go any slower here.......

Venting....

Okay, so I really need to vent for a minute here. My sister, one of them, KS, is really getting on my nerves. Keep in mind her house is where I believe the swine flu outbreak originated. (just kidding but, wanted to remind you it is a pig pen) . Well last week we had sort of a blow out because she was always inviting me over for dinner or to hang out and I would always politely decline to her (because of her dirty house). Well it came to a breaking point last week, when she yet again invited me over and I declined and gave an excuse. She called me out, saying I don't want to hang out etc. ... Well I came clean (no pun intended) and told her, I am not coming over unless the house was cleaned. Well that started WW III in her eyes, she wrote me a nasty-a-gram via email and even had the nerve to involve my other sister and mother into this argument. She claimed that since her stroke she is doing her best to keep the house clean. She also pointed out that I am not Miss Perfect with my house..... Which is true, both points - I am not miss perfect but I pride myself on how clean my house always is when visitors come.... I even went over there and cleaned it from top to bottom to help her out. Also keep in mind that this is her boyfriends house - and I don't think it was ever cleaned since he bought it, 10 yrs ago. But I did my good deed and cleaned it to the best of my ability, so all that had to be done was the day to day things, like dishes and taking out the trash.... was it, you ask? NO IT WAS NOT - the next time I went over after I cleaned it, the house was 10 times dirtier than when I originally cleaned it. Well that just really pissed me off...... I understand that my sister can not keep up with the house work, but there is no reason why her dead beat boyfriend can't..... So yes I am bitter, and I refuse to go over there to that filth and smell. They have 2 dogs, so you can just imagine the smell, especially since they have had the AC on. I don't want to be mean, but her inviting me over on a daily basis is really getting on my nerves and I can not take it anymore, I will explode on her.....

Taking it one day at a time

Well, as you all know my mood has been down in the dumps lately. I will admit my mood has improved a bit and R.S. has improved also but I am still not at the state of happiness that I imagine. I think part of the reason is my job. I don't hate my job but I don't like my job either. I look at it as a paycheck. I dread coming into work and I hate even more that I have been putting in long long hours. Don't get me wrong I am grateful I have a job during this hard time. But I can't help but think what a waste of my life. I am cooped up inside 9 hrs. out of the day and by the time I emerge into the sunlight I am so tired that I can not enjoy life.
Of course the other part why I have not achieved the happiness I want is because of my current relationship. I have to admit things are improving but I hate not knowing what the future holds. I hate not having that security. It is very stressful wondering "are we going to be together" or "are we not" I know that only time will give me that answer but I feel we should already have it. Well I am getting negative again so I will sign off for now and go back to work. And if things could not get any worse. I think I have poison oak..... And that is not fun....... To be continued......

Crabby

So I have to admit I have been very very crabby the past few days, actually all week and I have been avoiding blogging. For obvious reasons: I do not want to focus on the negative and the negative seems to be consuming me lately. I am stressed, crabby and all of the above. I just can't seem to shake it. So I am hoping my mood will rise and I will be back to my old blogging self. It just seems like there is never enough time in the day to do everything :(

Freedom

So RS is gone for 10 days :) Yes I will miss him but I have to admitt I am looking forward to the freedom of him not being there. He is not gone for good, he is house sitting and dog sitting for a family friend and it just works out best for his schedule and the dogs schedule if he stays out there. He will be popping in here and there but pretty much is gone for the next 10 days.
Well I am swamped with work today and I have a killer headache so I must go, I hope to write more later, hope everyone is doing well :)

Follow Through

I am proud to report that RS and I are keeping up the momentum and had some fun yet again last night - and I am really proud of him because on Tues. night I really really wanted to have some fun but he was very tired and was getting up early, he kissed me gently and said "Tom. night, I promise" Well that went in one ear and out the other with me because of his lack of follow through in the past - but sure enough he followed through, tired and all and I was very happy and touched, it shows he is trying and that is all I needed in my book. I am also happy to announce we are going on a date this weekend, not sure what yet, I really don't care what we do to be honest but to be going out with eachother is enough for me. Well that is all I have to share for now - work has me super busy and I am racking in the over time :)

Finally...

Finally - RS and I re-connected last night and it was well worth that wait!!! :) - Not having any physical contact with him was putting a real downer on our relationship so I put my foot down and sent him a "sexy" text yesterday informing him we were going to..... And I was not going to take no for an answer - and guess what - IT WORKED! The anticipation of arriving home and going through the motions of making dinner etc... brought us back to feeling young, having fun and feeling like we were dating again - it was just what we needed. I do not know what the future hold for us but I do know we are heading in the right direction to reconciliation and to building a healthier and happier relationship. We just needed to jump start our relationship and the best way was for us to take our frustrations out and have a sigh of relief and that is just what we did last night :) I am going out of town this weekend, camping, and I hope the distance and time between RS and I will only make the heart grow fonder!! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend :)

My expectations with RS

As promised, here are my expectations out of RS, hopefully I will be able to share them with him, only time will tell - he needs to make the step now - not just me doing all the work.

My expectations – in no particular order

- I expect to be treated with respect at all times, even if you are angry or upset.
- I want us to have one date night a month. I want this to be a time of romance and building our relationship. It could be anything from going out or just making dinner at home and watching a movie.
- I expect to have a certain amount of alone time and also a certain amount of time with my friends and family.
- When we are having a disagreement, I expect us to work it out and not go to any other person for comfort, communicate our needs and problems with each other.
- To get enough exercise, start dieting and loosing weight to be in shape for things we want to do in the future. Go for a walk together at least once a week.
- Acceptance, I want to feel like I am OK just the way the way I am and to be accepted by you and not feel judged or criticized by your looks, words and actions..
- Appreciation, real appreciation, given from the heart, does not mean saying thank you all the time but acknowledgement of deeds done would mean more than an empty thank you.
- Intimacy, I want to be intimate more often, does not mean sex, but the element of surprise with kisses and other acts.
- Family Relationships – I expect you to earn back the trust and respect that you lost from my family. To build back the relationship you once had.
- Fun and laughter, we do not have enough of this. Whether it is playing the wii, tennis or cornhole in our driveway, we need to find ways to have fun and laugh more.
- Listening – this is our key to better communication
- Encouraging – me with my own dreams
- Supporting – For you to support the decisions I make, even if it is not what you would of done.
- Trust, that things will get better and our love is ment to last.

Expectations

I have been doing alot of research on the internet about Relationship expectations, wants, needs and how to make a relationship better and I wanted to share something I found on expectations. It is a little long but worth the read.

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.
Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. That is a problem for most couples.
For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed and get upset. A better way might be to strive to get the need of being loved fulfilled by allowing your love partner to love you the way they love you. Your need to be loved a certain way is not a healthy need, it is only and always an unrealistic expectation.
Another disappointing thing about expectations is that they often do not come true. One love partner knows the expectation. The other love partner doesn't know the expectation of the other. Expectations are in the eye of the beholder. Can you see the problem?
Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated.
We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed, or both. Most people call this situation a problem: a problem we create by our expectations.
Try this: "No expectations, fewer disappointments!" It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.
By considering a new point of view, by changing our thinking about expectations, we open ourselves up to whatever good the 'us' of the committed you and me may be working on together at the time. Since we are detached from the way things need to work out, we may be surprised by the result. Even when we imagine the very best, we are often surprised, because if there were shades of doubt present in our imaginings, things may turn out better than we imagined. . . or worse.
Once we learn to identify our own individual, healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. That is when the adventure begins; the adventure the heart was crying for. Surprises create a sense of adventure; surprises you can enjoy together; surprises that create new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience.
Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together, those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the surprise and know that everything is going to be okay.
Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us strong.
While there is something to be said about "expecting the best," we must remember that disappointment comes from unfulfilled expectations. This does not mean that when your expectations do not get met, that the results are always bad. It only means that if your expectations don't get met. Disappointment usually follows.
By thinking in terms of needs instead of expectations, we create vulnerability. Having needs with no expectations about how they will be fulfilled causes us to feel vulnerable. We have more to lose because now we know what we want. The outcome is less predictable. There is some risk involved. And we have a responsibility for getting our needs met.
Never give yourself away in the relationship. By "give yourself away," I mean making sacrifices that conflict with what you need from the relationship. Never sacrifice your own personal integrity with regard to getting your needs met. The healthier image you have of yourself, the less likely this will occur.
There is a difference between duty and responsibility. When duty does not meet our needs, it is something to be avoided.
We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up in our relationship, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the wrong direction.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.
The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It's the things we don't communicate because the last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn't take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it's not about the garbage.
In my opinion, the number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.
So, how do you sidestep the disappointment that always comes from unfulfilled expectations? Who wins the "expectations versus needs" dilemma? Needs, of course! You focus on your needs and make a commitment to never have any undelivered communication about them. Talk about what you need with your partner. Express your needs with love.
Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.
We often call things that happen that cause disappointment, problems. To avoid disappointment or problems. . . as best you can, have no expectations, good or bad. When you have expectations there are never any surprises because the outcome is almost always predictable.
Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your relationship is not full of surprises, it is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.
It is important to allow your love partner the freedom to fulfill your needs in their own best way.
When you know what you need from your relationship and can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!

Now if only RS can let this sink in, I believe this is the key to recovery for us. I did print him out a copy along with other info. I asked that he took the time to read over it this weekend, because we agreed to give each other space and I don't want to force him. Anywho I asked that he read it over and right down his wants needs and expectations, I have already written mine and will share them later. Hope everyone has a great day - it is rainy and miserable here, just the thing to add to my already dark mood "sigh"

Monday, what a weekend.

Well what a weekend. I don't even know where to start because so much has happened. RS and I sorta kinda ended things but then we decided that we would give each other space and tell each other our expectations, needs and wants before we completely throw in the towel. Although I feel he has already thrown in the towel and made his mind up that he does not want to be with me. Plus things at work are just horrible, my home life is horrible....
One more thing I need to mention is that I did tell RS that I have feelings for someone else. I told him I would never act on them but I felt like he needed to know. I am not a liar or a cheater but RS needed to know. Some part deep down inside of me wanted him to realize hey I could loose her, she is starting to have feelings for someone else, I better step it up. But it kind of back fired by him saying you already opened that door to liking someone so why should I even try. Why - he asked - well for starters, I love him. I don't love the other one. Love and like are two completely different things. Okay well I am visibly frustrated and writing about this is just making it worse so I am going to stop for now. Hope everyone is having a better Monday than I am, because at this point I feel very hopeless about alot of things..... Also CM, thanks for your great comments!!!

What to do?

I have come to an understanding in regards to my situation with my boyfriend.
I am scared. I am scared of not having him in my life, I am scared of being alone, I am scared to admit what I know deep down I need to do. So scared pretty much sums it all up.
I feel I have given RS chance after chance to make things up to me and he has done nothing and the reason I keep giving him a chance is not out of love or wanting to be with him it is because I am scared. I get this over whelming feeling inside of me when I think of not being with him or I think about leaving him and I could not pin point exactly what it was I was feeling and just a little bit ago I realized it is fear and a feeling of being scared. No one wants to be rejected or labeled as a failure but that is exactly what I feel. I feel I have failed in this relationship. I feel RS has failed me and most of all I feel so rejected by RS. He claims he loves me, he claims he puts my interest ahead of his own, but honestly I do not see it. Because if those two statements were true he would be doing everything in his power to make it work and to keep me in his life. I wish so badly that things will work out for us, but I can not be masked by the reality of the situation because I am scared. I feel fear is one of the worst feelings that God could of created. I feel fear paralyzes you in a way. Because I feel I am paralyzed in the respect that I know what I need to do, I know I need to end it with RS and move on (since he has made no effort to keep me) but the fear of the unknown the fear of rejection, loneliness and all the above is paralyzing me from breaking it off. I am just so sad, and torn, if only he would show some care and concern I would not have to be feeling like this. I would not wish this state of mind on anyone, it is absolutely Hell on Earth.

Another Day Another Dollar....

Well I am back to work, sadly, after a long weekend. I went up to New York to visit my sister and her family. It was a nice break to get away from RS and other family. The weekend wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. It gave me time to think about what I really wanted. If I want to stay with my current boyfriend or not. I will admit that RS did text me quite a bit while I was away. But something I realized is that my feelings for the other one are still there, and I don't know what to do about them. I don't want to loose the friendship I have with him by exposing my feelings not knowing if he feels the same but I also don't want to live my life wondering what if? One thing I know for sure is that nothing can happen between him and I until RS is out of the picture. Because first off, I am not a cheater, and second off it is not fair to either of them or myself. So the question still remains what should I do. My answer would be easy if my current boyfriend would just step it up and man up and treat me like I should be treated. Because there is no doubt that I love him and want to be with him. But he makes it impossible to do so acting they way he is acting. I have given my last and final ultimatium, that he has 1 week to do things to make it better and to meet my needs. 1 week, this is my last and final attempt to salvage whatever is left of our shattered relationship. I hope he accepts what I said and does something to start making up for it but I guess only time will tell.
It is also killing me to not know how the other one is feeling, if I knew how he felt then my decision would also be easier, not that I would jump into things with him right away but knowing I have a chance and to do something about it would make the world of a difference. It would give me that kick to break things off with RS and maybe it would make RS realize what he lost and make him realize it did not have to come to this, if he would of just stepped it up.....
I really hate my current status of not knowing, not knowing anything and not knowing what is best for me. I think deep down I know but I can't seem to find the courage to do it.....
It is just a sad sad situation.......

Going out of Town

I am going out of town this weekend to figure out what I want and to get away from my life here. I need a break. The conversation with RS did not go as planned he could not give me a direct yes or a direct no. In a way I give up - I know love is hard but admitting you love and want to be with someone isn't. So I am going to take this weekend to relax with family and get down to what I really want. RS has a lot of making up to do with me and from his efforts thus far he has gotten no-where. I am swamped with work so off I go I will try to squeeze in another blog before I leave to give more details of the conversation between RS and I.

Letter to RS, my boyfriend

So as promised here is my email to RS.... (Email is in blue)
(read previous post to understand better)
The things said in this letter to him needed to be said, reason being is last week I was ready to leave him, ready to pack up my stuff and move on, I even went to look at apartments, but he sucked me back in making me believe that he wanted to make it work that he wanted to make things better, So what did I do I invested myself in the relationship again, put my all when I had nothing to give and then last night - SURPRISE! He is confused and not sure.... Well I guess I will have my answers tonight. Any advice you can give I would greatly appreciate it, but just be careful to not pour too much salt on an already open wound. Thanks again!

Hey,
Sorry to write an email but I just have to get some things off my chest and it can't wait. I barely slept last night because of our conversation last night.
I meant what I said when I said "Make a decision and stand by it" And that is what I am asking of you - Make a decision that you want to be with me and stand by it, by doing everything you can to make it better and to make it work.
I am not asking for a ring right now, God knows I would not even except it from you at this point but what I am asking for is the possibility of it, commitment and hard work to get to that point.
I love you with all my heart and I want this relationship to work - I will do everything in my power to make it work. But what I can not deal with is the uncertainty that comes along with it. That one day you will wake up in the morning and just be done when I am putting so much in to the relationship to make it work. For instance I firmly believed that this past week and a half we were working on things and then last night you drop the bomb "I am confused" "I wanted to marry you" WANTED - CONFUSED!
Talk about being jerked around - that is exactly what you did, jerk me around.
Then we have the my whole birthday thing - that I can not even talk about because it is so hurtful - part of me hopes that when you are feeling better you will do something for me to make it up - but then there is the reality of it and the reality that you will most likely do nothing to make up for it and I will just have to deal with it and let it go. Just like how you ate my peanut butter chick and I have asked and asked for you to replace it and still nothing.
Well I am making you aware of it now, I am not letting it go until you make up for it (my birthday). Birthdays are big with me and if you can not except that then tell me now - I am sick of being jerked around emotionally compromising my own beliefs, wants and needs.
I want a decision from you tonight. I want to know if you want to make this relationship work and if you want to meet my needs and wants. Because if you can not give me a firm YES to both of those questions I have a right to know so I can collect what is left of me and move on. This is not an ultimatum or threat - It is giving me the respect I deserve in honestly answering the questions I need to have answered to stay in this relationship. I hope and pray deep down that I get the answers I want but I have prepared myself for whatever you may say.
I will see you when I get home,
M

Rambling my aggravation out

So I feel like I have so much to write down here that I don't even know where to begin. This post might be a little all over the place so bear with me. And I apologize in advance for the lack of sentence structure and paragraphs. I will start off with work - because I need to vent a little in regards to what is happening. My organization just experienced a down size, thankfully I was spared. But a week after the down size our "little" department got devastating news. Our manager, who has worked here for 32 years was diagnosed with lung cancer and from the sounds of it, it is not good, so she is out on medical leave. Now I have to be honest here. I am feeling quite a bit of guilt in regards to her diagnosis. I know deep down I did not do this to her but on several occasions I did not wish her well, in time I will get over that but thought it was worth mentioning. So our department is in disarray not really having anyone to report to directly. So who knows what will happen to our department. Plus since my boss has been gone people are getting a bit out of hand. The secretary now thinks she is God, calling all the shots, calling people out when complaints come in. Last time I checked her and I were on the same team but from the outburst this morning she had with me I am beginning to think we are on opposite sides. She really rubbed me the wrong way this morning and I am fed up. I am also fed up with my other co-worker, he comes and goes when he pleases, is not held accountable for being late or leaving early and it is really ticking me off - it is just not fair. If you are scheduled from 8a - 5p then be here.... It is now 9:37a and he is still not here.....
Alright so moving on to the next topic.
My boyfriend R.S. we had bit of a blow out last night that I am just so hurt by, everyone knows we are going through a rough patch, well my dream is to get married and have a family and the past two nights RS made a comment while we were watching TV that he doesn't understand marriage and he doesn't understand why we have to get married.... I just blew it off and ignored him because if I didn't ignore him I probably would of started a WWIII . So as always I let those comments fester in my head until last night when I blurted out "Do you want to even marry me?, Yes or No" His response - " I don't want to get into this topic tonight" so I responsed " You just answered it for me" I went outside to have a cigeratte (yes I smoke, I am trying to quit but it is my only vice right now) When I came back inside I honestly did not want anything to do with him but of course he was there waiting to talk, saying " I wanted to marry you" "I am confused" Our conversation was a bit more detailed but I am giving you the highlights. Well he had a horrible headache and then went to bed...... WHATEVER.... So I am sitting here festering. I am notorious for writing emails because for whatever reason I am better at writing down my thoughts than actually saying them out loud. And that can get me into trouble but sitting here at work for 9 hrs. just festering not being able to talk to him about this is slowly killing me. So what did I do, I wrote him and email. The letter to RS will be my next post.

Long time no write

Hello everyone - I missed blogging these past few weeks. Work has been crazy busy, which I am grateful for because I would rather be busy than not, and it is also a blessing I have a job.
Nothing new and exciting is going on same shit new day. There is still trouble in paradise with RS and I and I am beginning to think the "other one" does not have feelings for me.... I will elaborate more on this later but I have to get back to work. I was off site for 2 days last week and that really put me behind. I will try to write more later. Plus I am in an okay mood right now and writing about RS and the other one can get very emotional....

Temptation and Hard Work go Hand in Hand

So my boyfriend, RS and I talked last night and I feel we actually accomplished something, or at least got the ball of communication rolling. Our talk made me realize something. That my feelings for the "other one" is pure temptation and I really do want to make things work with my current boyfriend, RS. I am not dismissing my feelings that I have for the "other one" they are still there and probably always will be but I love my boyfriend and I am going to try everything within my power to make the relationship work. Because if I do walk away from this relationship I will know that I did everything to make it better and therefore I will not have any regrets. I will not walk away over a crush or walk away because things got tough. All relationships have there ups and there downs and everyone is faced with temptation in one way or another and the important thing is to recognize it and figure out a way to get past it and make things better. And that is exactly what I am hoping will happen with my relationship. We will recognize our weakness and strengths and focus on making things better and patching things up. I am hoping RS is going to be able to meet my needs and give me what I want but at this point only time will tell - and I am hoping time is on my side.....

Get to know me better...

Describe your self. What do you think about yourself and do you think people perceive you in the same way? I am 5'8', 190lbs. Caucasiun, eyes that change color to what I wear, dark long wavy hair. I am almost always smiling or laughing. I tend to have a low self-esteem but feel I am very kind hearted and would do almost anything to better someone else. I think people perceive me as snobby or bitchy sometimes but over all think that I am very kind hearted.
Which is your most favorite book ever? Memoirs of a Geisha
Which is the one television character that you simply adore? Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)
What is your taste in music? I will listen to almost anything, except rap or heavy metal.
Which is your favorite genre of movies ? (Comedy/ Romance/Suspense/Action/Horror) ALL Movies - I love them all.
What do you do when you are feeling very sad or depressed? Take a bath and read a book
What makes you angry? When people don't think before they speak
How do you overcome your anger? Vent - take a bath - think it over
Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had in your life? Jamaica with the whole family
If you could have a luncheon with any three people (real of fictitious/ from any time period, dead or alive) , which three people would you choose and why? Grandma Emily ( I never met her) Queen Elizabeth (would love to know how her life was) Ana Eliza Young (want to know the truth about her life)
Which is your most cherished childhood memory? Playing with Nathan (next door neighbor) from morning till night - only coming inside to eat :)
How were you as a kid ? Very loveable, always smiling and laughing, generally all around happy go lucky
If given a complete freedom to start afresh, what profession would you choose and why? I would become a nurse maybe even a doctor
What is your idea of fun? If given a choice to skip work for a day, how would you spend the entire day? I just did this recently and had the best day. I went to a place called "artist for the day" Then went to lunch and the movies with two of my good friends!
Which is your favorite time of the day, are you a morning person or a night person? Night person
What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Bungie jumped
Name one person whom you love the most and one person whom you hate the most. Ryan and Ryan
In case you and I were going out and we had a fight. How would you try to patch things up? Apologize if I was in the wrong and ask how I could make it better or make it up
If given a choice, which animal would you want to be? Why? A cat - they have it made. sleep eat sleep eat!!!
Who was your first crush? Chris Knestrick - grade school class mate
Did you ever tell him/her about your feelings? Yes - we dated for a month, but I would not kiss him so he dumped me
Which is your most favorite place in this earth? My parents house or Jamaica!
If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what are the five things that you would want to survive? House, Fire, Water, Blankets, Food

FUMING about the "other one"

Okay, so I do this to myself but... As I mentioned in my last blog I happen to come across a blog that was written by the "other one" a few years back (2003 - 2007) and I am fuming about the things written in it.... I knew I should of stopped reading it but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to get to know him better and in the end I think it made me like him less. The nicest thing he said about me in the blog was that I was a "decent human being" but then he follows it up with "annoying" and "I am not a mature worker" and he bitched and bitched about me or should I say "the girl that sits behind him". Okay well that may of been the case my first few months on the job but NEWSFLASH - no one walks into a job knowing everything right off the bat and maybe if the "other one" wasn't so hard on me and taught me a little bit better he wouldn't of been bitching and bitching that I wasn't doing my job fast enough or as good as him..... GRRR, I just think at this point my mind is in such a jumble that I don't know what to think about anything any more. I feel drained, confused, and sort of regretful of how things turned out with my current boyfriend or how they will turn out???? Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and return when it is all over..... Wouldn't that be nice, there is always wishful thinking to get me through the day.

Torn...

Okay so today is a really shitty day, and it was a shitty weekend. The shit hit the fan with my boyfriend and I am still trying to figure out if we are done or if are trying to make things work. I desperately want to try and make things work but I feel he will not put in the time or energy. Plus I have that crush on the "other one" too that is lingering in the back of my mind.
What is so ironic is I found a blog he wrote when I first met him and there is nothing good in it about me. It was actually kind of hurtful some of the things he had in there about me, calling me "the girl that sits behind him" and how I am "so fucking annoying" reading those things kind of hit me hard, with everything going on with my current boyfriend and then reading those disturbing things about me from someone I consider a great friend/ potential boyfriend. In defense to the other one, we have known each other for 4 years and are relationship is nothing like it use to be when we first met. But I still can't shake those things he said about me.....
I mean when I started in my current job with him as my preceptor, he was the guru of it and I knew nothing..... I have come a long way but still it hurts to know he thought about me like that at one point....
So I am torn.... Breaking things off with my current boyfriend seemed to be easier knowing I had the friendship of the other one but now I am just not sure??
I mean I want things to work out with my boyfriend but I just don't see it happening. I don't want to deal with the fall out and the saying good-bye and the separation of stuff, not to mention our precious kitty, Sasha. Why can't he fight for me, why can't he want me, why, why, why...
That is the question of the day! WHY THE FUCK NOT?????

Adult Content

I have changed my blog to "adult content" because I want to openly talk about sex. Not in a vulgar inappropriate way but in a way that I feel children should not be reading.

Sex to me is a very important part of the relationship. I find it relieves stress and makes you feel more connected with your partner. My problem in my current relationship is I have to practically beg for him to touch me let alone make love to me. He tells me he is going through a stressful time trying to finish school and he doesn't have any energy etc. But I can not shake the feeling that he finds me unattractive. Because I know he relieves himself in some way, men can not go months without getting some of it out.....

I use to be on the heavy side and still sort of am. I refer to myself as pleasantly plump. I have lost a total of 52 lbs. and counting though and I am looking thinner and thinner every day. I am now under the 200 lb. mark. I know I will always be a bit bigger - I mean, heck I am 5'8', big boned and have a ton of muscle from playing competitive softball since I was 3. And muscle weighs more than fat so I really don't go by what the scale says. So I am okay with my body. But what I am not okay with, is the lack of intimacy in my relationship. I get more action from my vibrator, which is sad when I have a live in boyfriend... But I have needs and they need to be met, and I would never ever think about cheating. Plus I am not the one night stand kind of girl. I use to be and it was destructive and stupid and I would never go back to acting like that.... Sex is not just a physical thing for me anymore - for me it deepens my connection and expands the love I have for the person I am sleeping with. Plus you have to earn it from me, I don't just give that away, I have live and learned in the sex department.

I just don't know what to do anymore - I have tried and tried to get my point across to my boyfriend but no connection is happening and I am fearful this will be the down fall of us (not to mention the other million red flags). I just don't know what else to do. We have deeper problems than just the physical part so I have suggested we go to couples counseling - but once again I informed him all about it, gave him all the docs names, asked him when a good time would be to go, etc... - and NOTHING from him - the ball is in his court and I am not bringing up the subject again so he might be left playing catch with himself if he doesn't start throwing the ball back to me........ GRRR - what a frustrating day. Lack of sex is also not good for the mood - I get cranky, irritable and have a short fuse.....

Let's be Thankful -

For those of us who have a job, let's be thankful we still have it. With today's economy all businesses are cutting back and today my organization is doing it for there third time (and I am afraid not the last eitehr). The mood here today is so gloomy and fearful. The people who are being let go are literally being escorted from their work station and being taken to a table located in the cafeteria so they can sign up for un-employment. They are then being taken to HR for their exit interview then escorted back to their work station to collect their things and leave. How sad... Everyone is terrified the "Gestapo" will come and get them next. Luckily I have an inside source that informed me that I am safe (this round) but my heart goes out to everyone who isn't. I thank God I still have my job and I will pray for the ones who lost theirs today.

7 Questions

I was reading through some blogs and I came across a wonderful blog titled Hidden Sage and I just had to answer these questions, My answers are listed in blue.

1) What are you not admitting to yourself?
I think there are a lot of things that I don't admit to myself. I feel if I don't admit them, then they might not be true or they might not happen. But the thing I feel strongest about that I am not admitting is that I don't think I should be with my current boyfriend. But feel I am stuck...

2) What ideals are you clinging on to, too tightly?
That there is a soul mate out there for everyone, and that they will meet and live happily ever after. My parents have a great marriage - they have been married 43 years and have been through thick and thin together. I want that kind of marriage, that kind of security, but I think I am clinging on that idea too much. Because with today's day and age and how things have changed so much, society almost makes it impossible to have what my parents have they make it too easy to give up and move on. But I am still holding out hope that it can happen :)

3) What do you need to realize and accept?
That no one is perfect and no one can be changed into something you want and desire. Change has to come from within, not someone trying to do it for you. Once I accept that I will be able to be truly happy. Another thing I need to realize and accept is that ALL relationships are HARD WORK - and a lot of time and effort needs be put into a relationship to make it last a lifetime :)

4) Where are you not being authentic in life?
I am not being true to my wants and needs. I tend to bend to what other people want and what other people like, especially with my boyfriend and family. I have always gotten great pleasure in making other people happy and putting their wants and needs above my own. But what I realized just recently is I can't do that all the time because I jeopardize my own happiness for the sake of others.

5) Where are you not demonstrating integrity to yourself?
I think I lack integrity because at times I feel I am settling with my relationship. A part of me knows that there is someone better out there for me, someone who can meet my wants and needs without a struggle or complaining. I think I lack integrity because I settle knowing that I could do better.

6) What are you hiding?
A LOT... But the first thing that comes to mind is my feeling for someone other than my boyfriend. By hiding things I don't have to face the consequences.

7) Why are you hiding?
So I don't have to deal with the fall out or the consequences. I am building up the courage to do what I know I need to do, these things take time though....

Are we meant to be?

Are we meant to be? That is the question I am struggling with in regards to my boyfriend and I. I love him, I want to be with him but I am sort of at that point where I can't imagine my life without him but I can't imagine my life with him either. I feel from day to day I put 110% into our relationship - and he doesn't... on a good day he gives about 25%. He admits this but someone can admit something (which is good and the first step) but if you do not take the additional steps to fix it or make it better, what is the point of admitting your fault, to make yourself feel better???.... I am just really struggling with if we are meant to be. I always thought love was enough to get you through things but I am starting to doubt that - Because I have all the love in the world for my man but if I do not get that love in return, my love is just not enough to keep the relationship afloat or worthwhile on my part. It pains me to even write these words because we have created a home and life together - we even have our wonderful precious kitty ... But what I am starting to discover is maybe we are not meant to be..... :(
I am just so broken inside...

Rough Night - Rough Year

So I am not doing too good over here - First off I probably lost one of my really good friends - the girl I was talking about in the previous blog - but I will get to that later. What's really on my mind is my relationship with my boyfriend, RS. I stated that we had a good weekend, or so I thought. Last night I get home and the shit hits the fan - over this and that and this and that - stupid stupid crap.... I said to him, "hon these things are frivolous, calm down" But no it just magnified into some monster fight that I could not handle. I told him I would be looking for apartments this weekend and basically it is over.... You would think he would fight for me ask me to stay, something, but NO so I guess it just validates my point that we should not be together. It is just one excuse after the next with him and excuse after excuse about why things aren't working and excuse after excuse, never wanting to take any responsibility. I can't take it any more. I am fed up, burnt out but most of all devastated that I put so much into this relationship and so much into him and in the end he is not willing to put in the work to make things better.... My one friend through out my whole relationship kept saying "You are investing" Meaning whatever I put into it I will get back tenfold. Well news flash - I GOT SWINDLED! Because everything I have invested I did not get back, nor do I feel I will. What a waste. The sad thing is, I don't even have any tears left to cry...

Happy Monday

Well what a weekend :)
I did not go to work on Friday, I suffer from migraines and the weather change really did a number on my head, not to mention all the other stress going on at work, I just had to stay home and re-coop for this work week.

Other than that I had a pretty uneventful weekend - I helped out my parents, cleaned their porch, washed all the furniture etc.. etc.. And I am proud to admit that I also cleaned my sister's house, well her boyfriend's house where she lives and I am half tempted to say that the swine flu pandemic could originated from that filthy place. In all my years I have never seen a house so dirty, it was a border line health hazard.... But I cleaned it the best I could without vomiting or passing out and I am sure that KS appreciates it.... NEVER AGAIN THOUGH! The foudnation has been laid, now they need to maintain it... OR ELSE, they might have an epidemic of their own.

I am also happy to announce that RS and I are getting along a bit better :) :) :)
Oh and I spent some time with the other one this weekend too :)
MASS CONFUSION!! I had a blast with both. If only I could be a polygamist I could have both... HAHAHAHA... Just kidding I could not share my man but I highly respect those who can. I still don't know if the "other one" feels the same as I do.......
That's all for now :)