Rambling my aggravation out

So I feel like I have so much to write down here that I don't even know where to begin. This post might be a little all over the place so bear with me. And I apologize in advance for the lack of sentence structure and paragraphs. I will start off with work - because I need to vent a little in regards to what is happening. My organization just experienced a down size, thankfully I was spared. But a week after the down size our "little" department got devastating news. Our manager, who has worked here for 32 years was diagnosed with lung cancer and from the sounds of it, it is not good, so she is out on medical leave. Now I have to be honest here. I am feeling quite a bit of guilt in regards to her diagnosis. I know deep down I did not do this to her but on several occasions I did not wish her well, in time I will get over that but thought it was worth mentioning. So our department is in disarray not really having anyone to report to directly. So who knows what will happen to our department. Plus since my boss has been gone people are getting a bit out of hand. The secretary now thinks she is God, calling all the shots, calling people out when complaints come in. Last time I checked her and I were on the same team but from the outburst this morning she had with me I am beginning to think we are on opposite sides. She really rubbed me the wrong way this morning and I am fed up. I am also fed up with my other co-worker, he comes and goes when he pleases, is not held accountable for being late or leaving early and it is really ticking me off - it is just not fair. If you are scheduled from 8a - 5p then be here.... It is now 9:37a and he is still not here.....
Alright so moving on to the next topic.
My boyfriend R.S. we had bit of a blow out last night that I am just so hurt by, everyone knows we are going through a rough patch, well my dream is to get married and have a family and the past two nights RS made a comment while we were watching TV that he doesn't understand marriage and he doesn't understand why we have to get married.... I just blew it off and ignored him because if I didn't ignore him I probably would of started a WWIII . So as always I let those comments fester in my head until last night when I blurted out "Do you want to even marry me?, Yes or No" His response - " I don't want to get into this topic tonight" so I responsed " You just answered it for me" I went outside to have a cigeratte (yes I smoke, I am trying to quit but it is my only vice right now) When I came back inside I honestly did not want anything to do with him but of course he was there waiting to talk, saying " I wanted to marry you" "I am confused" Our conversation was a bit more detailed but I am giving you the highlights. Well he had a horrible headache and then went to bed...... WHATEVER.... So I am sitting here festering. I am notorious for writing emails because for whatever reason I am better at writing down my thoughts than actually saying them out loud. And that can get me into trouble but sitting here at work for 9 hrs. just festering not being able to talk to him about this is slowly killing me. So what did I do, I wrote him and email. The letter to RS will be my next post.