Blown Over - Moving Along....

Okay, so my fight with my sister has blown over but in all honesty I think it has just been pushed under the rug to come out again in the near future. I understand family is family but sometimes they bother the crap out of me and make me run away screaming..... But I love them and I will always be there for them and they will always be there for me. So please remind me of this the next time WW III breaks out or should I say WW IV.......
On to another subject RS, my boyfriend. Things have been getting better and better with him. I am filled with more hope that we are getting out of the dark times and into the happy times again. Although we have scheduled 2 dates and they both ended up being not what I expected in other words, horrible or non-existent. So we will try again - This Thurs. The third time is the charm right, I must admit I am excited. We live very close to a big city and we are going to go down to the square and have a nice relaxing evening enjoying the city, I am looking forward to it :) But as we all know things don't always turned out as planned so I am not getting my hopes up too much.
I was suppose to go camping this weekend with my best bud but for whatever reason she is being very distant with me and I am just going to give her, her space for now. She recently got laid off from were she worked (I work their also, just different department) And I can't help but feel that she resents me in a way. I feel that she does not like talking to me as much because I did not get laid off. It is almost like our common bond was shattered. This could just be my perception of things but usually I am right about my gut feelings. So I will just give her space. But KB and I have always had an up and down roller-coaster kind of a friendship and space can sometimes be toxic with us. So time will tell what lays ahead for our friendship. For now I have a full plate with work, family and my current relationship, so I will just have to let the pieces fall where they may with her and I.
Well I have a little bit of work left. I am getting a lot done with it being a holiday week (July 4th). It is nice but I will admit, time could not go any slower here.......

My expectations with RS

As promised, here are my expectations out of RS, hopefully I will be able to share them with him, only time will tell - he needs to make the step now - not just me doing all the work.

My expectations – in no particular order

- I expect to be treated with respect at all times, even if you are angry or upset.
- I want us to have one date night a month. I want this to be a time of romance and building our relationship. It could be anything from going out or just making dinner at home and watching a movie.
- I expect to have a certain amount of alone time and also a certain amount of time with my friends and family.
- When we are having a disagreement, I expect us to work it out and not go to any other person for comfort, communicate our needs and problems with each other.
- To get enough exercise, start dieting and loosing weight to be in shape for things we want to do in the future. Go for a walk together at least once a week.
- Acceptance, I want to feel like I am OK just the way the way I am and to be accepted by you and not feel judged or criticized by your looks, words and actions..
- Appreciation, real appreciation, given from the heart, does not mean saying thank you all the time but acknowledgement of deeds done would mean more than an empty thank you.
- Intimacy, I want to be intimate more often, does not mean sex, but the element of surprise with kisses and other acts.
- Family Relationships – I expect you to earn back the trust and respect that you lost from my family. To build back the relationship you once had.
- Fun and laughter, we do not have enough of this. Whether it is playing the wii, tennis or cornhole in our driveway, we need to find ways to have fun and laugh more.
- Listening – this is our key to better communication
- Encouraging – me with my own dreams
- Supporting – For you to support the decisions I make, even if it is not what you would of done.
- Trust, that things will get better and our love is ment to last.

What to do?

I have come to an understanding in regards to my situation with my boyfriend.
I am scared. I am scared of not having him in my life, I am scared of being alone, I am scared to admit what I know deep down I need to do. So scared pretty much sums it all up.
I feel I have given RS chance after chance to make things up to me and he has done nothing and the reason I keep giving him a chance is not out of love or wanting to be with him it is because I am scared. I get this over whelming feeling inside of me when I think of not being with him or I think about leaving him and I could not pin point exactly what it was I was feeling and just a little bit ago I realized it is fear and a feeling of being scared. No one wants to be rejected or labeled as a failure but that is exactly what I feel. I feel I have failed in this relationship. I feel RS has failed me and most of all I feel so rejected by RS. He claims he loves me, he claims he puts my interest ahead of his own, but honestly I do not see it. Because if those two statements were true he would be doing everything in his power to make it work and to keep me in his life. I wish so badly that things will work out for us, but I can not be masked by the reality of the situation because I am scared. I feel fear is one of the worst feelings that God could of created. I feel fear paralyzes you in a way. Because I feel I am paralyzed in the respect that I know what I need to do, I know I need to end it with RS and move on (since he has made no effort to keep me) but the fear of the unknown the fear of rejection, loneliness and all the above is paralyzing me from breaking it off. I am just so sad, and torn, if only he would show some care and concern I would not have to be feeling like this. I would not wish this state of mind on anyone, it is absolutely Hell on Earth.

Rambling my aggravation out

So I feel like I have so much to write down here that I don't even know where to begin. This post might be a little all over the place so bear with me. And I apologize in advance for the lack of sentence structure and paragraphs. I will start off with work - because I need to vent a little in regards to what is happening. My organization just experienced a down size, thankfully I was spared. But a week after the down size our "little" department got devastating news. Our manager, who has worked here for 32 years was diagnosed with lung cancer and from the sounds of it, it is not good, so she is out on medical leave. Now I have to be honest here. I am feeling quite a bit of guilt in regards to her diagnosis. I know deep down I did not do this to her but on several occasions I did not wish her well, in time I will get over that but thought it was worth mentioning. So our department is in disarray not really having anyone to report to directly. So who knows what will happen to our department. Plus since my boss has been gone people are getting a bit out of hand. The secretary now thinks she is God, calling all the shots, calling people out when complaints come in. Last time I checked her and I were on the same team but from the outburst this morning she had with me I am beginning to think we are on opposite sides. She really rubbed me the wrong way this morning and I am fed up. I am also fed up with my other co-worker, he comes and goes when he pleases, is not held accountable for being late or leaving early and it is really ticking me off - it is just not fair. If you are scheduled from 8a - 5p then be here.... It is now 9:37a and he is still not here.....
Alright so moving on to the next topic.
My boyfriend R.S. we had bit of a blow out last night that I am just so hurt by, everyone knows we are going through a rough patch, well my dream is to get married and have a family and the past two nights RS made a comment while we were watching TV that he doesn't understand marriage and he doesn't understand why we have to get married.... I just blew it off and ignored him because if I didn't ignore him I probably would of started a WWIII . So as always I let those comments fester in my head until last night when I blurted out "Do you want to even marry me?, Yes or No" His response - " I don't want to get into this topic tonight" so I responsed " You just answered it for me" I went outside to have a cigeratte (yes I smoke, I am trying to quit but it is my only vice right now) When I came back inside I honestly did not want anything to do with him but of course he was there waiting to talk, saying " I wanted to marry you" "I am confused" Our conversation was a bit more detailed but I am giving you the highlights. Well he had a horrible headache and then went to bed...... WHATEVER.... So I am sitting here festering. I am notorious for writing emails because for whatever reason I am better at writing down my thoughts than actually saying them out loud. And that can get me into trouble but sitting here at work for 9 hrs. just festering not being able to talk to him about this is slowly killing me. So what did I do, I wrote him and email. The letter to RS will be my next post.

Temptation and Hard Work go Hand in Hand

So my boyfriend, RS and I talked last night and I feel we actually accomplished something, or at least got the ball of communication rolling. Our talk made me realize something. That my feelings for the "other one" is pure temptation and I really do want to make things work with my current boyfriend, RS. I am not dismissing my feelings that I have for the "other one" they are still there and probably always will be but I love my boyfriend and I am going to try everything within my power to make the relationship work. Because if I do walk away from this relationship I will know that I did everything to make it better and therefore I will not have any regrets. I will not walk away over a crush or walk away because things got tough. All relationships have there ups and there downs and everyone is faced with temptation in one way or another and the important thing is to recognize it and figure out a way to get past it and make things better. And that is exactly what I am hoping will happen with my relationship. We will recognize our weakness and strengths and focus on making things better and patching things up. I am hoping RS is going to be able to meet my needs and give me what I want but at this point only time will tell - and I am hoping time is on my side.....