New Beginings and Closer

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone. This was my first Holiday as a single woman. And I have to admit I really enjoyed myself. I did not have to worry about anyone but myself and I could truly be with my family. I also have another confession to make, I really don't miss RS, my ex. Yes I loved him and yes I shared a big chunk of my life with him. But I don't miss him. What I miss is having someone and having my own home. I wanted to meet with him to get some closer but I found closer in the weirdest of places, through his family. His family belongs to my church which I am really involved in. Well anywho my Mom ran into his Uncle, who I was very close with and my Mom and RS's Uncle had a conversation that brought me peace and closer. To make a long story short, RS's Uncle was incredibly sad to hear about our break up but he was also incredibility happy that I got out of the relationship and that I would be better off. When my Mom told me this I was shocked I could not believe RS's Uncle would be saying things about him like that. But it does not stop there. The Uncle went on to say that RS is a lost cause and needs professional help to help him overcome his painful past. (which I totally agree and tried to get him help but he kept pushing it away) and that RS will never find happiness because he is always moving from one thing to the next, making up his mind and then changing it and that can be very destructive not only to RS but to the people around him. It makes sense now to me because I now can see how selfish he was and still is and I can now see why he has NO close relationships with anyone in his family. His Uncle also said something that shocked me, He said that RS never owns up to his mistakes instead he blames them on other people and that is how he goes through life and until he realizes that he will never find happiness and will always be bouncing around in life with no clear path of what he wants. And that is not the life I want - so I am closing my chapter with RS and moving on. Part of me realized I moved on a long time ago but I did not want to admit it. I did not want to give up on RS I wanted to help him become a better man. But what I realize now is that he will never be a better man. He has isolated his whole family, they want nothing to do with him and his friends (most of them) are low lifes with no future. His goals of becoming a teacher are so UNREALISTIC, especially with his hearing impairment. And he can never take the responsibility of life. The perfect example is his daughter. He gave up on her just like everything else in his life, he gives up on things if they don't go his way and blames everyone but himself for it. I am not here to bash RS but it is funny because the saying "love is blind" is definitely true in my book. I was blinded by the obvious because of my love for RS, I was blinded and now that I have stepped outside the relationship and closed that chapter, I can now see what was there all along. This is my closure - I can take 1/2 the blame for it not working out. I can learn from my mistakes from this relationship and I can look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I am a strong independent woman. RS had this wonderful ability of putting me down and squashing my self esteem, but no more.... I have closed that chapter and can finally say I have moved on :)

Changes, changes and more changes

Change - is so hard to do but nearly impossible to avoid. Everything changes in some way or another, some change is for the good and some change is for the bad. But I hate it when things change and it is hard to accept or see why they have? I am referring to alot of things in my present life. Past friendships I have lost, my relationship that I lost, my new living enviroment, my working enviroment, virtually everything in my life is in transition now and I am just trying to stay above water....... Some days are easier than others and some days are un-bearable.... But somehow I get through it. I am trying so hard to practice what I preach. "If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger" I also always say "Everything happens for a reason....."
I do believe those sayings above but at times it is hard to relate them to the horrible things that have transpired in the last several months.....- I just have to "hope" they are true and keep chugging along on this rollarcoaster of life. I am trying to find me again - trying to find what makes me happy and most importantly trying to be that strong independent woman I know I can be. I feel like I take one step forward one day and then the next I take 2 steps back... So this is a frustrating transition for me that I need to get through and out of on my own. I have a wonderful supportive family who has been great, and I have a small handful of great friends who have been by my side through everything and I will be eternally grateful to them for that. They have taught me how to have fun again, to laugh again and most importantly they have given me my self eesteem back and some confidence by just being there for me when I needed them most. I know I have mentioned this before that I tend to isolate myself when I am in a funk but I have had two people in my life right now who have not aloud me to do that. Of course one of them is the "other one" and the second person is MK who I believe I mentioned in a previous post a good friend of mine who is always struggling with things in her own life but always has time to be there for me and vice versa. Both of them understand and are there for me no matter how I am feeling.
I guess it is time to give the "other one" a new nickname considering he is no longer the other one, he has evolved into such a great friend and I have hope that one day we could have the potential to have a wonderful loving relationship, that is when I am ready to date again I am at the seeing part and exploring part, definate dating will not be for some time..... I need time to recover from my previous abusive relationship and get some closure before I move on to another relationship. But the "other one" and I have been hanging out alot and he has really been the support I need right now and I will always value him as a great friend (if not more someday, which I hope for) So the "other one" will now be CP :)
That is all for now - I must get back to work but it was nice to get some feelings out since it has been so long since my last blog. I really need to make the effort to get on here more - it releases so much tension - thanks to all for your continued support on this bumpy journey I have been going through.... :)

Things can only go up....

So I hit rock bottom (as we all know) and slowly but surely I am heading back up hill to a life I enjoy and for once in a long, long time, I am having fun. If you guys have noticed I have not mentioned the "other one" at all in my recent blogs. Reason 1 being is I am trying to stay focused on me and my wants and needs - Reason 2 is because my feelings for him have gotten stronger the more I see him and the more things I do with him and I don't know if the feeling is mutual on his side..... I am suppressing them for now because I have no idea how he feels about me but one thing I know for sure is that we have fun together and lots of it. He was one of the closest friends to me during my dark time and I will always be grateful for that. Reason 3 being is if things don't go as planned with the "other one" , I do not want to loose that friendship we have and I cherish. But I can not hide how I feel either so with this one I am just going to give it time - and continue having fun. I now have a great circle of friends that I can rely on and who don't get mad if things come up or we don't talk for a few days. I finally feel like I have established trusting and understanding with my current circle of friends and the drama of "you did not call" "we have not talked forever" is out of my life and it is really refreshing :) Well back to work - I am off to run errands and grab some lunch :)

Hanging in there...

So as most of you know, these past few months have been very rough on me and there have been many times where my hope was lost. But slowly but surely I am starting to re-gain a sense of control and self confidence. Some days are easier than others and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But I do and I keep trucking forward. I almost feel like the Little Train that could.... I have an awesome support system that I will be eternally grateful for but no matter what anyone says or does I am the only one who can get past this rough patch. The feeling of being single, losing my best friend/ boyfriend, losing my home I created etc... At times it seems to much to handle and I just want to crawl into a black hole. Not to mention throwing in the stress of work and things that go on with my family.... The weather here has been gray and raining and that is exactly like what I feel like inside, grey and raining. But on the exterior I have been doing my best to keep up the facade of "I am doing great" So the saying Fake it Till you Make it will be my motto. Well I need to get back to work but wanted to just vent for a while. Hope all is well and if it is not just remind yourself, things could be a heck of a lot worse.... Or at least that is what I do :)

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Thanks for the support you left in your comments. I am happy to report I am slowly putting back the puzzles pieces of my life and trying to find happiness again. It is going to be a long journey but as each day goes by I feel a little bit stronger and a little bit more hopeful. It is funny how things end up. For instance my relationship with R.S. I saw red flag after red flag and still I stayed. I was always putting him before me and willing to do so and making him happy to before myself. Don't get me wrong I miss R.S. but I don't yearn for him and I don't want the good times we had back because there are too many bad and that tarnishes the good in my eyes. I have my ups and downs in regards to having no contact with him. ( I have not talked to him at all in the past 3 weeks) The good person in me wants to see if he is doing okay wants to reach out I mean I shared my life and loved him for 3 years and poof he is out of it - that is rough- but I feel if I do that I once again will not be putting myself first and I need to dig deep down to find that strength to put my own happiness first for once. I am the type of person who thrives off of making other people happy. Even if it mean sacrificing my own happiness because in my eyes it is worth it to make someone else happy - it is one of the greatest joys in life. But doing to much of it can slowly burn a person out and make them weaker if it goes unappreciated for so long. So I am on that journey of finding that balance. Of making myself happy, find what I like and what I need but still trying to make other people happy too. It is a fine line to tread but I am willing to take on the challenge because in the long run I won't be that person who always gets the short end of the stick because I allow myself too. I will stick up for myself, build back my confidence and who knows maybe even find true love along the way :) Today was a good day - but when night time roles around is when it gets a bit tough or I should say lonely. But time heals all wounds and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So I am back on my OWN 2 feet again always hoping for the best.
Have a great weekend everyone,
M

Long Time No Blog....

So, this is my first time blogging in quite a while. I was even out of work for about 4 weeks. And a lot has happened since then..... The reason I was out of work is because I got the Depo Prevero II shot - My doctor told me it was a great form of birth control and that studies have shown it is great to treat pre-cervical cancer cells (which I have) So I though wow - kill 2 birds with one stone - sign me up. So I got the shot..... That is where things start to spiral downward... I was already stressed with work etc... Well wouldn't you know I got every side effect in the book, throwing up, bathroom problems, depression, anxiousness, my emotions were all out of whack, etc... I did not know what the hell was going on with me.... I chalked it up to this and chalked it up to that and finally I hit that breaking point where I literally was an emotional basket case who was sicker then a dog. Well I went to my Mom, R.S. (my ex-boyfriend by the way) could not take care of me - He literally said he does not believe in depression, that it is all in the head (but that is a whole other blog) Back to me, so I went to my Mom's stayed there for a few days and come to find out I not only got all the side effects from the frickin shot but I also was allergic to it, I lost 27.6 lbs. because I could not keep anything down or anything in me I should say.... So that is my story and all I have time for right now. But I am back to work, my first day- I was nervous but all in all it turned out to be a good day.
One last comment - Since R.S. and I have broken up I have become a stronger and happier woman. I now have an opinion and I found that by being with him I lost who I was and lost some people who were close to me and I sacrificed my own happiness for his - Lesson Learned - I deserve someone better - I missed reading every ones blogs and hope to catch up on everyone over the weekend :) Take Care -
M

I need a Mental Health Day....

So today I am on the verge of tears because of my J.O.B.
I mean a person can only take so much and do so much before they crack... and I am at that point where I feel like I am starting to crumble. I am just sick and tired of the endless abuse and never any recognition. I mean I play by the rules, meet all my deadlines, even other peoples deadlines and there are some people who continually break and bend the rules and get away with it. I AM SICK OF IT! I don't get how these people can get away with it, but they do, day in and day out. It makes the people who are doing things right and the people who are doing everything and anything to complete nearly impossible tasks say "what is the point" And that is exactly where I am at. What is the point of constantly working my ass off and staying late - constantly playing by all the rules - completing everything on my plate and other peoples plates as well. I guess the only difference is - I can look myself in the mirror and know what I do and how much I do. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything the RIGHT and MORAL way. But that still does not get me the recognition I deserve or the pay increase.... Thank Goodness I have aquatic kickboxing tonight - I am not a violent person but I can not wait to punch and kick the heck out of the at water :) :) That is my only hope for getting me through today.....