Not going to lie...Update

Now that I have made a commitment to writing on my blog at least a few times a week I want to make something clear. My life is not all rainbows and butterflies. I have been through one heck of a year and I am just now getting grounded again.  I lost my best friend, RS aka Ryan. (I find no need to hide names anymore) who was my X and he still is not fulling out of the picture. I have tried repeatedly to say my final Good-Bye and thought I succeeded except I get a phone call last weekend and he is drunk down the street from my house and there is an ice storm.  Well I am a kind and considerate person and Ryan asked for a place to stay the night and I allowed it. BIG MISTAKE!!!  A mistake for obvious reasons.... He is a user and a manipulator and he always takes advantage of my kindness and loyalty. I can not allow that anymore. I love Ryan and a small part of me will always love him. I just KNOW for a fact that him and I can not be together. The damage that was done is too deep and my family would NEVER approve of us dating again. Plus I don't want to settle... Well enough about the my X - he has already taken up way too much of my time and thoughts. New subject, so the Other One..... Well that went horribly wrong somewhere and I am not sure how or why, but we barely even talk anymore.  I no longer have romantic feelings for him and I think deep down I really never did, he was just a really good friend and he showed me that Ryan was treating me bad and without saying it directly to me, Patrick aka the other one showed me I deserve better. I just wish we could of stayed friends, it makes me sad that we had such a good budding relationship and all of a sudden it just went KERPLUNK...... Probably because I isolated myself , but I can not live my life based on what ifs.
To be completely honest, I am living a good life. I have a great new job (same place of employment, just new department). I have a brand new car, a half of a house I share with my 2 wonderful intelligent cats. I am just missing someone to love and share it with.  I know I can not rush things but darn it.... I want a marriage and kids like my siblings have.  I am 28 soon to be 29 and I don't even have a steady boyfriend..... I have started to date, well I have been for the last year or so, but nothing ever gets any further than a 2 mos. thing or we end up being friends. I miss having that comfort and security and some days even though my life may seem great and wonderful, inside it can be lonely and dark.
I also lost my really good friend and I don't think I will be able to salvage that relationship either and not sure if I want to.  I have grown so much as a person this past year and realized how strong I am and how much I give to others and I am sick of being the doormat.....
I get a great deal of joy putting others feelings, wants and needs above my own, but I need to stop doing it so much and find a healthy balance.  I need to find myself and get myself back 100% before I am ready to find love again. I lost so much of myself while I was dating/ living with Ryan. I lost my passion for music, because Ryan was hard of hearing so I felt bad that he could not enjoy it with me, and the list goes on and on over again.  I am proud of myself though. I wrote Ryan this whole long letter explaining why I need to let go and why I can't have him in my life and I had every intention of mailing it, but he called and came over... well the next morning when he left I felt so used and manipulated that I gave him a small portion of the letter, it was the lyrics to "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri. I wrote the letter to Ryan that Friday and he called me on Sat. for a Safe Harbor, which I provided. But what a jerk...... I did stay strong and did not allow him to seduce me completely but we did kiss and fool around a bit and I HATE myself for falling into that trap....
But there is something between Ryan and I that is unspoken and will never go away, it is a passion and a deep deep love that when we kiss or we are on the same wavelength it is like a perfect harmony.... THEN SMACK I hit reality hard and realize that Ryan is damage goods and I can not help him grown as a man or show him the correct way to live until he is ready to help himself and I fear he won't he will just keep running and keep going on the next and will never learn from his mistakes.... Ugh... here I am babbling about a man that no longer is in my life, nor do I want him to be.  I am in love with the idea of love but I know loving Ryan is only TOXIC and it was my downfall last time and I won't settle or allow it again. I am not a cocky person, I am actually very humble and a bit insecure. But I was the best thing that happened to Ryan and it is his loss, he will never find what I gave him and was willing to give and sacrifice for him, he will never have someone as good as me, and deep down I think he knows that..... Sighs... enough re-living the past, the only thing I can do is pick up and move on with a heavy heart that is healing and tears in my eyes. I pray there is someone out there for me, I pray I will find true unconditional love and I pray I will be blessed to become a mother one day. All I can do is trust in God and put my faith and hope in his hands and I pray I deserve all the things I desire and find someone who is willing to give the same amount of love in return to me :)
Like my blog says, Hope, Love and life.......  maybe it should be Hope, Love, Life and Faith. :)
Emotionally life has been hard on me lately but I need to push that aside and do my best to move forward with a positive mind set and just HOPE! :)