Gloomy Day

Today is a gloomy day, and not just the weather. It seems like life just don't not want to give me a break - I am getting a little discouraged and it is getting harder and harder to stay positive in light of everything that is going on.  I won't go into detail about it but it feels good to just say " I am in a funk"
Tonight I am going to go home, take a relaxing bath, lay on the couch and watch TV.  Lately I have been going going going, but sometimes it is nice to just have a lazy night.  I got some discouraging news about an ongoing medical scare I have and the news was not what I was hoping. I have been off and on sick now for about a year and finally the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and closer to a diagnosis.
AND it is scary as all hell!!!!  I just want to crawl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head.  Work is not getting much better and that is also affecting me and irratating me but what you going to do?
Not much you can do..... Okay well tonight I am going to go home and wash away the funk in me and tom. is a new day! :)

Where to Start?

Ok - It is Friday and my famous saying, "It is hard to have a bad day on Friday" is not working today.....
It is crazy here at work - busy wise and there are some gap of communication that make it hard to do my job. I am putting in way too many hours because there is not enough time in the day to do everything.
I am dealing with a sick father, not to mention I got some scary medical news about myself and am waiting for the results. I say Farewell to Ryan - thank God!!! That is a huge weight off my shoulders - at least my heart is healing :) But lately it has been hard to stay positive with so many things going on. 
Also to add to the mix - I think I have a stalker, no joke.... I never dated the dude, he is married but he religiously follows me on facebook and txts my phone like crazyeeeee....  I am going to have to put my foot down, I do not mess with taken men, and he has made it very hard to just be friends....
With the stalker aside, I don't want a relationship right now, I am enjoying finding myself and dating along the way. It's funny really because, deep down I do want a relationship and I do want to find that lasting love, but I honestly feel like I lost so much of myself by being with Ryan that it is going to take some time to find my passions, likes, needs and wants again. I can't beat myself up over it but I do regret giving him my whole self. Because ultimatlely he rejected me, he did not want me, and he hurt me more than words could ever describe. But a very important thing I learned out of it all!!!  I will NEVER allow myself to get lost or wrapped up in a man.  I need to keep my indepence and confidence up and be with someone who brings the best out in me and I really have faith I will find it some day :)  I konw what unconditional love it, and I know how it feels to give it, now I am just waiting for someone to give it back in return but having fun along the way. Ryan was not capable of uncoinditional love... I know he is my X and saying mean things about him is the nicest thing to do, but it is the God awful truth. Ryan is a selfish/ stubborn man who I lost all hope in. I don't even recognize him anymore, and I don't want to..... ADIOS!!! My life would of been so much better without him plowing through it... Ok, so if you havn't already picked up on it, I am having a BAD day....
But I am looking forward to the weekend, I have some fun stuff planned and I am hoping the weather stays nice!!!  Be kind to everyone and be safe - M

Prayers for Japan and beyond

I just wanted to take a min. to send many prayers out to the people who have been effected by the Earthquake, Tsunami and other natural disasters going on around the world.  It breaks my heart to hear of so much destruction and all by Mother nature.  It also pains me that we may have a HUGE enviromental problem on our hands with the Nuclear Power Plants, I pray that they are able to get the situation under control so no further damage is done. I will be sending out many prayers throughout the day and week to all who need them at this terrible time.

Final Good-Bye

OK - deep breathe.... I did it. I said my final Good-Bye to Ryan.  I did it in letter form because that is the way I feel I express myself the best. And Ryan was being to big of a jerk to have a happy and healthy good-bye in person. Everything has to be done on his time and I just needed to speak my peace and MOVE ON!  It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do in a long time. I completely cut him out of my life and told him how it really is and  how it is in his head or how he perceives things, not what the reality is.  I stuck to I statements, the facts and the truth, it did come out a little harsh but I felt I had no other choice.  I would share the letter on here but I want to just move forward.  Ryan is a thing of the past and he will no longer be in my life or infect my thoughts.  He became a toxic person and negativity oozed out of him and I could no longer let him bring me down.  I have come to far and have accomplished too much to be brought down from his hurtful and selfish ways.  It is only day 2 since I delivered the letter to his house but I have blocked his number and emails and I told him directly to not contact me.  So I pray I will have the strength to move on and stick to my guns.  I have forgiven Ryan but it is the forgetting part that is the hard part. I wish so badly I could just erase him from my memory, that is how bad things got between us... the bad out ways the good by a HUGE margin.....
This is going to be a tough thing for me to do.  Normally I am the kind and giving person I am the person who puts others feelings and wants above my own and I pride myself on that because it brings me joy to make others happy, but what I don't like is when people take advantage of that... And that is what Ryan did, he used me to further himself and I will never forget him for that, What a wicked person, the saying Love is blind is true, I was blind for the majority of our relationship while he used me and charmed me and told me to have patience. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Makes me want to scream..... I also pray that he read the letter, knowing him and his selfish ways he very well could of just thrown the letter out - When things get tough or he doesn't want to hear things he throws it under the rug or closet with all of his other skeletons and never deals with it.  I just pray he read the letter and took to heart what I need to say.
Well enough of that. I need to move on and what better day to do it then Friday! This weekend is about me and about my wants and my needs and if it means staying in my PJ's then so be it. I am a strong and independent woman and finally had the strength to say Good-bye and cut Ryan out of my life :(

Not going to lie...Update

Now that I have made a commitment to writing on my blog at least a few times a week I want to make something clear. My life is not all rainbows and butterflies. I have been through one heck of a year and I am just now getting grounded again.  I lost my best friend, RS aka Ryan. (I find no need to hide names anymore) who was my X and he still is not fulling out of the picture. I have tried repeatedly to say my final Good-Bye and thought I succeeded except I get a phone call last weekend and he is drunk down the street from my house and there is an ice storm.  Well I am a kind and considerate person and Ryan asked for a place to stay the night and I allowed it. BIG MISTAKE!!!  A mistake for obvious reasons.... He is a user and a manipulator and he always takes advantage of my kindness and loyalty. I can not allow that anymore. I love Ryan and a small part of me will always love him. I just KNOW for a fact that him and I can not be together. The damage that was done is too deep and my family would NEVER approve of us dating again. Plus I don't want to settle... Well enough about the my X - he has already taken up way too much of my time and thoughts. New subject, so the Other One..... Well that went horribly wrong somewhere and I am not sure how or why, but we barely even talk anymore.  I no longer have romantic feelings for him and I think deep down I really never did, he was just a really good friend and he showed me that Ryan was treating me bad and without saying it directly to me, Patrick aka the other one showed me I deserve better. I just wish we could of stayed friends, it makes me sad that we had such a good budding relationship and all of a sudden it just went KERPLUNK...... Probably because I isolated myself , but I can not live my life based on what ifs.
To be completely honest, I am living a good life. I have a great new job (same place of employment, just new department). I have a brand new car, a half of a house I share with my 2 wonderful intelligent cats. I am just missing someone to love and share it with.  I know I can not rush things but darn it.... I want a marriage and kids like my siblings have.  I am 28 soon to be 29 and I don't even have a steady boyfriend..... I have started to date, well I have been for the last year or so, but nothing ever gets any further than a 2 mos. thing or we end up being friends. I miss having that comfort and security and some days even though my life may seem great and wonderful, inside it can be lonely and dark.
I also lost my really good friend and I don't think I will be able to salvage that relationship either and not sure if I want to.  I have grown so much as a person this past year and realized how strong I am and how much I give to others and I am sick of being the doormat.....
I get a great deal of joy putting others feelings, wants and needs above my own, but I need to stop doing it so much and find a healthy balance.  I need to find myself and get myself back 100% before I am ready to find love again. I lost so much of myself while I was dating/ living with Ryan. I lost my passion for music, because Ryan was hard of hearing so I felt bad that he could not enjoy it with me, and the list goes on and on over again.  I am proud of myself though. I wrote Ryan this whole long letter explaining why I need to let go and why I can't have him in my life and I had every intention of mailing it, but he called and came over... well the next morning when he left I felt so used and manipulated that I gave him a small portion of the letter, it was the lyrics to "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri. I wrote the letter to Ryan that Friday and he called me on Sat. for a Safe Harbor, which I provided. But what a jerk...... I did stay strong and did not allow him to seduce me completely but we did kiss and fool around a bit and I HATE myself for falling into that trap....
But there is something between Ryan and I that is unspoken and will never go away, it is a passion and a deep deep love that when we kiss or we are on the same wavelength it is like a perfect harmony.... THEN SMACK I hit reality hard and realize that Ryan is damage goods and I can not help him grown as a man or show him the correct way to live until he is ready to help himself and I fear he won't he will just keep running and keep going on the next and will never learn from his mistakes.... Ugh... here I am babbling about a man that no longer is in my life, nor do I want him to be.  I am in love with the idea of love but I know loving Ryan is only TOXIC and it was my downfall last time and I won't settle or allow it again. I am not a cocky person, I am actually very humble and a bit insecure. But I was the best thing that happened to Ryan and it is his loss, he will never find what I gave him and was willing to give and sacrifice for him, he will never have someone as good as me, and deep down I think he knows that..... Sighs... enough re-living the past, the only thing I can do is pick up and move on with a heavy heart that is healing and tears in my eyes. I pray there is someone out there for me, I pray I will find true unconditional love and I pray I will be blessed to become a mother one day. All I can do is trust in God and put my faith and hope in his hands and I pray I deserve all the things I desire and find someone who is willing to give the same amount of love in return to me :)
Like my blog says, Hope, Love and life.......  maybe it should be Hope, Love, Life and Faith. :)
Emotionally life has been hard on me lately but I need to push that aside and do my best to move forward with a positive mind set and just HOPE! :)

Long Time

Wow - I can't believe it has been so long since I have wrote on here... So much has transpired in my life and I can't wait to start sharing it. I am still a single women, but I am starting to explore dating again, which is scary and fun all at the same time. I hope it is like riding a bike and once I get back into the dating world, it will just come naturally. Don't get me wrong I have been on dates but nothing ever went past the 2 month mark and nothing serious, but I did make some great friends out of it.
I am probably the strongest and most independent I have been in a very long time. It is lonely at times but I have my 2 cats to keep me company and I have my peace and my solitude. Also throughout the past year and a half, I have been through hell and back and I have really learned what friendship is and who really is my friend and who no longer isn't. A sad lesson to learn especially after everything I have been through but I think I am stronger because of it.
I got a new job, I am with the same organization but just a different department and WOW it makes a world of a difference that I like my job and I enjoy it. Some of the people can be negative and not fun to work with but the majority of people make it all worth it. I work now more than ever, but it is good because it gives me the flexibility I need so I can put my family first, especially when I have 2 family members that are very very sick.
My own health is improving, I am still waiting on some tests to come back and for the word cancer to go away, but I will catch up with the matter another day.
I am glad to be back blogging and look forward to catching up on everyones blogs :)

New Beginings and Closer

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone. This was my first Holiday as a single woman. And I have to admit I really enjoyed myself. I did not have to worry about anyone but myself and I could truly be with my family. I also have another confession to make, I really don't miss RS, my ex. Yes I loved him and yes I shared a big chunk of my life with him. But I don't miss him. What I miss is having someone and having my own home. I wanted to meet with him to get some closer but I found closer in the weirdest of places, through his family. His family belongs to my church which I am really involved in. Well anywho my Mom ran into his Uncle, who I was very close with and my Mom and RS's Uncle had a conversation that brought me peace and closer. To make a long story short, RS's Uncle was incredibly sad to hear about our break up but he was also incredibility happy that I got out of the relationship and that I would be better off. When my Mom told me this I was shocked I could not believe RS's Uncle would be saying things about him like that. But it does not stop there. The Uncle went on to say that RS is a lost cause and needs professional help to help him overcome his painful past. (which I totally agree and tried to get him help but he kept pushing it away) and that RS will never find happiness because he is always moving from one thing to the next, making up his mind and then changing it and that can be very destructive not only to RS but to the people around him. It makes sense now to me because I now can see how selfish he was and still is and I can now see why he has NO close relationships with anyone in his family. His Uncle also said something that shocked me, He said that RS never owns up to his mistakes instead he blames them on other people and that is how he goes through life and until he realizes that he will never find happiness and will always be bouncing around in life with no clear path of what he wants. And that is not the life I want - so I am closing my chapter with RS and moving on. Part of me realized I moved on a long time ago but I did not want to admit it. I did not want to give up on RS I wanted to help him become a better man. But what I realize now is that he will never be a better man. He has isolated his whole family, they want nothing to do with him and his friends (most of them) are low lifes with no future. His goals of becoming a teacher are so UNREALISTIC, especially with his hearing impairment. And he can never take the responsibility of life. The perfect example is his daughter. He gave up on her just like everything else in his life, he gives up on things if they don't go his way and blames everyone but himself for it. I am not here to bash RS but it is funny because the saying "love is blind" is definitely true in my book. I was blinded by the obvious because of my love for RS, I was blinded and now that I have stepped outside the relationship and closed that chapter, I can now see what was there all along. This is my closure - I can take 1/2 the blame for it not working out. I can learn from my mistakes from this relationship and I can look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I am a strong independent woman. RS had this wonderful ability of putting me down and squashing my self esteem, but no more.... I have closed that chapter and can finally say I have moved on :)